When The Darkness Creeps up

Today has been the worst day I’ve had since my third Ketamine treatment. I have been on a constant roller coaster. I feel unworthy, inadequate, worthless and flat out just not okay. I haven’t thought about suicide since having Edward and today the thought of just driving off the road crossed my mind. (NO I AM NOT GOING TO HARM MYSELF). Just walking away with Edward and cutting everyone else out sounded like a perfect scenario as well.

I even had therapy today and it definitely helped but it didn’t take long for me to get sucked back into the darkness. We didn’t do EMDR due to my current mental state. We just talked it out and that was good especially for today. It's nice knowing my boundaries and what I can and can't handle.

The thing about mental health is sometimes it literally cripples you to the point where you don’t want to move or breathe. I loved coming home to my kids but I didn’t have the drive to play or do anything with them. I fought through it and did the best I could to show them the love they deserved but all I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry.

Mental health is also not just about me, even though it is crippling me I am fully aware of the damage it does to the people around me. He wants to help and doesn’t fully understand exactly what depression is like. He doesn’t understand no matter how much he tells me loving affirmations my brain tricks me into thinking I am worth nothing. The struggle he has to deal with by watching the woman he loves suffer on a regular basis wears down on him as much as it does me.

Let’s be real kids are way more observant than we give them credit for. Cisna is in therapy and made it very clear that I am a “Sad” person so she notices on days where I am using every ounce of me to be okay. Today she asked me for hugs millions of times and didn’t want to leave me to go home with her mom. Edward gets more whiny and cuddler on days where I struggle. He knows I need him close at all times.

Mental Health affects everyone and is so hard. I wish more people weren’t ashamed of it, because it's most people's reality even if they don’t want to admit it. This is proof that I am not perfect and just human. I am healing and getting better but will still have bad moments where I need a little bit of help.

If I need more Ketamine it doesn’t mean I failed, it just means I need a little more work. I am doing the best I can pull from myself today or possibly this whole week. I have to take it moment by moment and focus on the fact that my kids are loved, work is done and my marriage is still going no matter how hard it is right now.

Mental health has destroyed a lot of my relationships and almost ended my marriage. It is hard to deal with and hard to be around. I like to think that everything happens for a reason and the universe has a way of making everything work the way it’s supposed to even if it sucks in the moment. So I am okay and will continue fighting and getting better and my better may not be everyone else’s better. Today flat out sucked though but that’s the life living with Depression.