How strong can I actually be?

April, oh how this month has a jam-packed schedule. I'm back to not sleeping, taking anxiety meds, nausea is a daily hurdle as if I was pregnant again (No I'm not). My mom just went home from a visit. Every time she was around this time my heart literally felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. I was even more paranoid of her being alone with my kids or near me. No matter what I did I couldn’t get relief.

My ex comes to town this Friday and the thought literally makes me shake. I wanted nothing more than to see him when we were together. I craved his very existence and now it terrifies me. Things weren’t supposed to end up like this. Edward was supposed to be the one kid who had his parents together, he was planned and wanted so desperately. I am trying so hard to not run. So many places to run, to where it’s comfortable or less scary. Where I don’t hurt people. Where I am putting me first or someone else. I need a manual to tell me what I’m supposed to do in this damn life because i’m so tired of making mistakes and regretting things.

My baby turns 3…. Where the hell did the time go?! But it’s not just because he is turning 3. I was supposed to be trying or expecting a baby right now. Not raising one by myself not knowing what the next day is going to bring. Feeling so empowered some days I can take on the entire world, then other days where I cry, and scream locked in the bathroom wondering where I went so wrong. How the hell I ended up here?

I’ve been doing really incredible till April. Just too many things and emotions going on. I am paying so many things off, getting closer to getting little man and me a house. Working hard with therapy even when it makes me want to run. Holding to my boundaries and standing for what I need and believe. I think that’s why these few steps back are killing me so bad. I didn’t notice things when I was doing so good. Luckily for me April is just a month and even with all the stress and anxiety it’s going to be amazing.

Little man has a huge party he is going to absolutely love coming up. It was another year I had him in reality and not just a dream I craved so desperately for. I am pushing myself to be happy and successful in my career choices. I am getting better at living in the moment and letting go of things that I can’t control. There were two instances today where they could have turned into full blown arguments and they didn’t.

I want so much for Edward that I also get so offended by others when I should let them be them and continue focusing on us. Not letting my emotions or fear of failure & abandonment get in the way. I can still be momma bear who will protect her son as if my last breath relies on it, but I need to stop taking things so personal. I know Edward's dad will continue to know him and see how truly amazing of a human he is. He seriously is the best light in the world. His love showed me I was worth getting better and standing up for what I deserve because I NEVER want him to think he isn’t enough or that he doesn’t deserve to be treated like the world is his. So please send me good vibes this month because I am truly struggling. I know deep down I can do this but damn tonight I want to cry and not get out of bed. Time to take one moment at a time so I can reach the finish line. I didn't make it this far to give up now.....