Just a few more hurdles

I had individual therapy Tuesday. I was already falling apart that week, feeling like any second I was going to be a glass shattering on the floor. I was overwhelmed with therapy, work, and being alone in everything I do.

I walked into therapy Tuesday ready to quit. Ready to walk away. I was done with the schedule, the requirements. But the big feeling roaring it's head that I couldn't recognize was fear. I have made so much progress that I don't recognize myself in the mirror.... For once it's a good thing. I am reliving trauma that literally could have killed me and walking out of that office able to take the power back.

My schedule is already hard to work around with therapy over zoom. With thing's changing with Covid I'm going to have to go into the office eventually. Three nights a week and two hours during the day. I already feel like I don't see Edward as it is; now I am supposed to not see him except to say goodnight on three days out of the week. The thought is crippling. So Tuesday I lashed out and was angry. I felt like once again the universe was preventing me from getting better. I am finally making progress and putting my past together; it's not just a black hole anymore. The thought of having to stop going or giving up time with Edward is what finally broke.

I'm pretty sure my therapist finally got to see a side of me he needed too so there was some good out of all of it. I finally opened up about how I am stretched so thin; finally said it outloud and did not hide the emotions that came with it. I let the tears fall and every single emotion, and fear come out. I finally let him in and fell apart. Even on our hardest EMDR days I walk out of there pulled together till later in the day when I can't hold myself together anymore. I don't think I've ever cried or been that vulnerable for him to see.

In that moment I had forgotten how much I've put towards my life up to this point. The amount I've fought for it; the days I've had to peel myself off the floor, the nights I thought there is no way I am going to make it but pull through, and the losses I have had to endure to find the peace I have now.

I had forgotten; even after putting in that much work that I know damn well I am worthy of a life worth living.

A life that will make Edward proud to say he is apart of.

A life that is better than my childhood.

A life that is better than the trauma that crippled me for so long.

A life better than every single heartache I have ever felt.

Forgotten after all that work. My entire life I have fought to be better for someone else, to be loved by someone else, to be enough of anything for someone. I'm still fighting for a better life for someone; but it's not just for my son anymore. I deserve the love I give out. I deserve to be happy and stand up for myself. I deserve to have a future where my past isn't crippling every move I make. A world where trust doesn't seem like a fairytale we read about. I can't keep fighting for love from other people because one thing I know for sure; I am one of the best people at dishing out love.

So my sweet Edward, I don't know what the next year of our life looks like. I don't know how in the hell we are going to make it with things getting harder. BUT what I do know is those nights I may not see you won't be forever. In the end me being healthy and finishing my healing journey will make the life we live worth every second lost. Mamma is doing the absolute best she can. I'm not going to apologize for being a "broken" mom. It has made me a better person and made us a stronger unit. The two of us can make one hell of a life. We just have to keep fighting. Everything I do is still for you but It's also for me 💫