Growing with yourself

I hate when I get into these phases where my brain is so full I can't seem to put anything down. I have so many drafts and recordings. My life always starts out simple and than I end up back right where I'm at. I can't even count the amount of times I've said this is the year, this time it's going to work, this is my moment, I am healed. The amount of books, workshops, therapy and so many other things I have done to become a better person works as long as I allow it. Than eventually I fall into the atmosphere of the darkness of what's happening around me.

I am still doing therapy, even on days where I don't have it in me. The days where I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I fight to get something out of it and not just go through the motions of being there. I do EMDR Tuesdays. Oh how I hate Tuesdays; I work from 9-7 PM, have therapy from 3-4:30 and than again from 6-8:30. The amount of memories that are coming in makes me wonder how the hell I am still standing here today. But also put so much into perspective on why I attract chaos constantly. I'm in this eccentric place in my life......

Have you ever loved someone so fiercely but realize that the damage done is too much. That you don't have anything left to give to anyone anymore. I hate what if's and wish life had a manual to tell me what I am supposed to do. I don't want to hurt anyone or make a bad decision. Being an adult is hard and everything you do is so permanent. There is no going back most times. One day it all hit me, hard. It knocked the wind from my lungs, and brought me to my knees. I was breathless and absolutely heartbroken. Helpless, hopeless. I had no choice but to catch my breath, pick myself up. Pull myself together and do the inevitable.

The hard part of therapy is growing. You work through so much that defined who you are that when it's gone you don't really know where to go from there. Everyone who was standing stagnant with you don't understand the new person you are becoming. I am a different person than I was at the beginning of 2021 and know for a fact I will be a different person at the end of it. I'm learning that even when it hurts so bad I don't think I'll ever be able to get off the floor, I can. I can rise from my past, the current and the damn near impossible decisions I have to make.

I constantly say I am going to focus on me but than wrap myself in all these relationships and chaos. But this time other than being a mom and friend I am going to put Haley first. Not just say I am and than put everyone above myself. It's time to just be me and get through this phase of my life so that the next part will be so amazing it takes my breath away. I need to learn that it is okay to be alone even when the urge to surround myself with someone no matter how toxic they are rears its ugly head.

I'll continue to have good and bad days. It's what I make of them and how I address the next day and week that counts. My past happened, my heart break happened, my good and bad decisions can't be taken back so It's time to really let them go. That's the nice thing about EMDR; I am reliving terrible terrible memories but I am also finally getting past them and letting them go. I am remembering good memories I never knew were there. I am seeing how truly strong I am, even when I feel like I will never be able to move again.

Here is my late night ramble of week's of being unable to form a sentence. I still feel like this is a rambling mess but would it be my post if it wasn't? Cheers to change and jumping even when you can't see where you are going to land.