Tsunami of Life

I started my IOP Program with Pathways and holly cow it is already doing so much for me. The is a slight problem with the help I found is when it is actually working the recovery is harder.

My entire life has been a huge black hole where even the good memories became a blur. I've been connecting with my therapy and really trying to connect and be better. I realized with healing that on top of the scenarios my brain usually makes up I am now starting to remember things.

Not all bad but some very bad. I am overwhelmed and beyond tired. I want to sleep but I can't. I work full time, take care of my kids, am trying to repair my marriage and be okay. This is all so much work that it's becoming hard to even get out of bed.

I met with my therapist last week and we talked and both agreed I am stretching myself too thin. I have agreed to do an in-patient program as soon as I get approval for leave from my work. The bills and work is making me inpatient and on edge. I am trying to be a full time mom, worker, bill payer, person, girlfriend, family member. I am done. I need some time to deal with the memories and things that are coming up.

I am beyond terrified to go inpatient. Not just the fact that it's time to admit I really do need that much help. That I am not making it successfully on my own anymore. That in order to be okay I have to spend some time away from everything I know.

I won't have my phone.

Will only see my kid's on sundays.

Won't be working.

Won't have much access to the outside world.

My days consist of balling in my car on the way home. Not sleeping because the memories are too much for my brain to handle. Crazy anxiety attacks that stop me in my tracks. If it wasn't for Edward I can say for a fact I wouldn't be here. I am so tired of being the caretaker, the broken one, the determined woman who has no choice but to fight. I would give anything to just let go and let everything just be.

The reality of it is no matter how much I crave that. I look into my sons eyes and know I have to fight. I have to become a better me because he deserves that. I am the cycle breaker. Not only did I experience years of generational trauma and fought to say this ends with me. This is brave. This is powerful. This comes at a significant cost. It will be hard and so much work. I will be pushed further than I ever expected but I can do it. I am strong enough and I deserve it as much as my kids do. That is just a fact. Wish me luck on my new journey.

Edward mom is so sorry she has to leave you for a while but I love you more than life itself. You are my reason for everything and I will stand strong and okay. You are worth every single fight and day away. I love you baby boy, even during my break downs. I am trying my absolute best to give you everything you deserve.