17 Ketamine Treatment

I originally scheduled this treatment early so I could get it done before I start at this new company. Every 5-6 months is when I know I'll start crashing if I don't get a booster. It so happened that it fell on a week that my brain spiraled. EMDR has done wonders for me but now I'm starting to have memories that I can't seem to get out of my head. Even after my Ketamine treatment. It's less intense now that I've had the infusion but I guess the Universe thinks I am ready to process and heal. I try to be as vulnerable about my life as much as possible but I do keep a lot of things out.

I got married really quick and fast. It was the entire life I wanted; the kids, the husband, the dream state. I wanted to run from all the darkness that surrounded me at home. So I jumped and ran with it. I was happy while I was married but I didn't realize how toxic the whole situation was. I loved him and always will to an extent but the time we were together have been haunting me like a movie I can't get to stop.

Today I finally decided to lean into it. There has to be a reason it is so prominent right now, especially after a booster. It's not keeping me up at night or giving me panic attacks anymore. It's just happening. I think it's the universe's way of saying It's finally time. Time to really let it go and no longer let it control me. To accept that what I thought would happen isn't ever going to happen.The pain and hurt can't just be erased like it never happened. I have to accept that my marriage wasn't as happy as I thought it was. That even though I feel like I can't ever fall in love again, I needed this lesson and my baby boy. The happy times (even as minimal as they are) and everyone I got out of my marriage made is so worth it.

I am so guarded from everyone and am terrified to have anyone else in my life. To allow anyone else to get close enough to rip my heart out. But I also have more self worth and boundaries than I ever thought imaginable. Now that I am leaning into the darkness and breathing through it, the finish line is finally visible. The truth is, healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls you. The universe finally showed me that I am ready to breathe through the damage so that it can no longer control me.

I have no idea what my future holds; or if I'll ever get any of the things I still so desperately want but I do know that whatever the rest of my life looks like. It is going to be a damn good one worth living.

Embrace the pain

Lean into the lesson

Let the tears fall

Accept the unknown