There Never Really Is An End

It's not always a fix by a medication or therapist. There isn't always an answer to why thing's are the way they are. Things can be fine and than they aren't. I've done 22 days inpatient, seen more than 20 therapists, tried multiple medications, had genetic testing, self help books, etc.

I think the problem and stigma with mental health is people hear therapy and think okay once they get it all out they will be okay, right?

Just take a pill and it will fix it.

There is no cure to crazy.

Genetic testing which I didn't realize was a thing till pathways. We are all different and our bodies work differently. I know what medications my body metabolizes and am still working with my doctor to figure out what is going to work best for me. Even with genetic testing it's hard to know 100% what will help someone.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, than when I was inpatient I learned that I don't have that diagnosis. Back to when I was diagnosed; I was put on Seroquel when I was diagnosed to help with the BPD and my sleeping issues at the time.

Than I went inpatient and used it because I wasn't sleeping. I recently had an appointment with my meds doctor and we swapped Seroquel for Trazadone. There was some miscommunication between my doctor and I regarding what I used it for. I felt less sleepy but got way more emotional. I have no idea what diagnosis I have and hope to figure it out eventually. I didn't even think to ask if Trazodone was a mood stabilizer. After some research about Trazodone and knowing myself better I realized I need a mood disorder med that doesn't help with sleep. I don't really need a full time sleep med. Sometimes it will be needed for rough days or flashbacks but on an everyday thing isn't something I need.

Some days I wonder what would happen if I hadn't made it......

Others days I'm so damn angry I did because I'm so fucking tired. So tired of fighting a fight every day that some people don't have to fight.

Some days I am almost in tears grateful I made it because I am beyond blessed.

Mental Health is not black and white.

It is not easy.

It is a lifelong battle that never ends.

But yet we sit here and judge people because of it. I've done so much work to be a better me and I am still so dang hard on myself. This post is a jumble of words but so is my brain. All I am saying is it can't be fixed and shouldn't be. It should be managed because we are not our diagnosis.

We are human.

We have Experiences that aren't always good.

Addiction is a side effect.

Mental Illness can be a side effect.

Every single person experiences some kind of trauma. Trauma affects people differently so one person's response won't be the same as the next person's response. Doesn't mean anyone is better than the next just means we are all human and different trying to survive this dark world we live in......