The Harsh Reality of Mental Illness

I’m laying here cuddling my little boy with fear. This week has been amazing for the most part and I’m still doing good but there have been moments where my depression sneaks up on me. Not nearly as bad as it was before my Ketamine but it still is definitely there. Where I feel that crippling ache in my chest.

Depression can be genetic and that terrifies me to the core. I grew up with a mom who not only had clinical depression but Bipolar, Multi personality disorder, was a Hypochondriac and so much more. Now I got the Depression and Anxiety but was lucky to dodge the other more serious mental disorders. Because of these mental disorders my childhood left me with PTSD and I will do everything in my power to make sure his life isn’t anything like mine was.

But the fear he may have to deal with the darkness I’ve dealt with scares me to the core. I know he will feel sadness in his lifetime and it’s going to teach him so much, but regular sadness is so different that the sadness with depression. I pray though that his sadness never reaches mine. I don’t want Edward to have depression because I’m ashamed or want to hide it. I pray that Edward gets blessed without my mental disorders not because I’m would love him less but because I want him to have the world. I want him to have the happiness I never got as a child and experience being okay. I don’t want him to feel the pain that is so strong it aches in my chest, the feeling of being crazy because of the thoughts that invade my brain. I know I can’t guarantee anything but I can pray and support him with what ever happens.

I’m a very open person about my past and my mental health, it’s not because I want attention or need sympathy. It’s because it shaped who I am and it's my reality. I’m not afraid to talk about it because I am not ashamed of who I am.

Ketamine has changed my life so much but I am not perfect and I have so much more work to do. I’m putting in the work, the fight will eventually result in a steady rate of happiness and normal emotions. It may take more ketamine, working out (which has been a huge help these last couple weeks), I may have to be on meds the rest of my life but it’s all about perspective and putting in the work. No one is perfect but putting your all is the best you can do.