The Good Thing About Remembering

(Yes that is my brain)

Everything use to be a black hole. The worst part was I didn't just lose the bad memories, I also lost the good ones. Most of my life is still a blur of a black holes. For a long time I searched and longed for everything that was missing. I was willing to uncover what ever terrible thing shut my brain off. I wanted to know what happened to that innocent little girl so maybe, just maybe I could find myself again.

So I started therapy at pathways. For once therapy worked and the memories started flooding. None of them were good but at least they were coming back. Made things about who I am and the way I act make so much sense. Wasn't the look into who I was before all the damage but answered some of the questions I had been longing for answers to. It hurt knowing what had happened to me but it also put so many puzzle pieces into place.

Why my reactions were certain ways.

Why I had became who I was.

All my reactions and traits.

I've had good memories come back but they weren't how I expected. But it didn't matter because I was so grateful that something came back. I started battling the trauma and becoming the best person I can be. I still fight this battle every day and probably will the rest of my life.

My good memories my entire life have been small, vague and fast. The bad memories were like I was reliving them. Like watching a movie but feeling every single thing that is happening all over again. But then I finally got a break through.

When my ex and I decided to make this work and try again. It was rocky and will continue to be. But once things started to smooth over and we fell in love with each other again (We never really stopped but we did get unsure and lost). Everything came back, the conversations, laughter, smiles, jokes, comfort. It all came back and than I got an extra surprise.

Memories started coming back like the bad ones. Where I could feel what was happening and watch them as a movie. I was able to see the good times we had. The times that made me never want to leave him before.

My drive to Washington to meet him

Our first kiss

Our never ending skype calls

Our first photo

Playing video games together

Our wedding day

Him holding me while I break down

Trying to get Pregnant, the struggle and pain that came with that

How sick I was pregnant and the stress that brought

Bringing our son into this world

All the drama and issues we battled

Moving to Utah

There are so many more. But I was finally able to put my walls down and remember why I stayed married to him for three years. Why I loved him so fiercely and never gave up. I wish I had remembered all these things but when you are as lost as I was before Pathways, there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I can't go back and the what if's wond do any good.

So I am going to enjoy every single day I get being his girl.

Loving him and getting love in return.

Enjoying our kids together.

Making a future and growing together.

Memories can be good and they can be good. But I will always cherish even the bad ones because at one point I didn't have any. Cheers to growing and making more progress as a person and with him.