The Earthquake

So in my blog posts I’ve been vague about something I haven’t been ready to talk about. It’s time to unlock that subject and get to it. My marriage as all of you have probably guessed is over, since I hinted that I’ve been a single mom.

My marriage for three years has been incredibly hard. We got married when we barely knew anything about each other. My life had just taken a turn and I had hit rock bottom. I had given up on ever being a mom, finding love, I was laid off, didn't have a stable place to live, and was in turmoil with my family. My life was a daze that I was just existing through. I was so deep in my depression it was destroying any relationships I had, and I had no idea how to get out of it. I loved him with everything in me, so we got married, before we knew much about each other’s situations.

I won’t go into too many details because it was our marriage and it doesn’t need to be broadcast-ed everywhere. It was hard and I almost walked away multiple times. Than we had Edward and the thought of sharing him scared me into staying in an unhappy marriage. Losing my step kids and not having my son 24/7 terrified me. So, I convinced myself I was happy, and it could all be fixed.

I started the Ketamine and my mind became so much clearer. Being around my family and old environments showed me what true happiness was again. Things got so bad that I thought I would never survive. The time away from him at the beginning almost killed me, I missed him so damn much. Didn’t want things to be over. I was beyond confused and honestly still am. Then I realized I wasn’t happy and no matter the outcome I deserved to be happy. I watched my kid’s behavior and realized the relationship him and I were keeping was making them think things were okay. Edward would yell at people because he watched us yell at each other. Anytime I cried Cisna would ask if he hurt my feeling again or if he was mean to me. Even when I tried to hide that we were fighting they knew.

I was raised in a very chaotic house and noticing these things hit me like a brick. This was what I swore my children would never go through. I believe everything happens for a reason and still stand by that. I know I met him for a reason and hope when all the pain is over, we can be friends and do what is best for all three of our kids. Just because our marriage is ending does not mean Caidence and Cisna are not my kids. I married him and those kids and fully plan to continue to be in their lives. They don’t deserve to be hurt anymore than they already have been with this crappy situation.

So, I will go into being 27 divorced and single. Nothing I ever thought I’d say. But that’s the funny thing about life, it throws the craziest things at us that we never expected. All I know is I will make it through this, and my kids will be okay. If they learn anything from this, I hope it’s that no matter what it takes you must make yourself happy. You cannot stay in bad situations to make others happy. But most of all YOU deserve to be happy. Even if that takes doing something that hurts, is hard or that others don’t understand.

2020 will be a different year than planned but I am so ready. I am ready to put me first, show my kids what true happiness is and make the life I know I can achieve and deserve. When one door closes another one opens.......