The Darkness Didn't End

I kept thinking okay it's just a bad day, tomorrow will be better. But than the storm keeps coming and I feel like I am suffocating. Today has been a marathon to keep the tears at bay. To be strong enough to be a mom and get the things I need done competed. To not let anyone around me see my weakness. To keep my house from falling apart so my kids end up feeling as shitty as I do.

I hate mental illness.

I hate the way my brain ticks.

I hate the memories and things people say on repeat like a song.

I hate my past.

I hate people.

I take everything so personally, make it apart of who I am. I try so fucking hard to be enough. Help my grandparents, take care of my kids, paying bills, planning for the future, getting a job, work on myself including working out, pushing me to my limits so I can become better with discipline and putting me first. Cut out soda and started the 75 day hard challenge and am continuing working out even when I need to restart because I had a week moment. Doing my affirmations and taking time for me. So why is this damn cloud still hanging over my head?

I am so angry and overwhelmed. I know there is no cure to my brain and the trauma that happened to me. But why does my brain have to replay the worst scenes and what people say to me over and over like a song on repeat. Succeeding in convincing me I am less than good enough. I am trying so damn hard to be better.

I managed to be so strong today.... No matter how painful the ache in my chest got I kept going and held myself together. No matter how much I wanted to scream and give up or just get numb, I didn't. I realized so many people don't like me and keep me around for Edward (I get it he's seriously the most amazing thing ever). But why can't I be enough? Why can't I be loved? Has anyone told you that they love you because they have to but hate who you are as a person? That is worse than being stabbed in my opinion. Falling on the ground cry where you can't breathe and your whole body feels the emotion. Because I have and it's only becoming more and more of a realization that until I let go of what people think and feel about me I will be stuck in this rut.

I have my pathways friends, other friends, my kids, him, and so many others who see me and love me for who I am so why do I allow myself to let the others get into my head so deep I want to die? I know this will end and my work will show and I'll feel better again. But today I am sad, angry and hurt. I will take one step at a time, one foot in front of the other till my affirmation "I am letting go of others opinions of me" becomes a belief now just a saying.

The amount of things I have been through and done show strength and if people don't see it then it's time to cut them out. It's time to surround myself with people who love me because they choose to not because it's an obligation. Because that isn't love, that's someone trying to make themselves feel better for being a shitty person. It's true that you become what you surround yourself with. I can't get better if I keep the negative cloud and energy around me.

Now that the kids are asleep and I am alone It's time to let it all out so tomorrow can be a fresh start. I deserve a good day and am worth making it one.