Sometimes We Aren't Right

There is always two sides to every story. Two people involved which means two feelings that the other person may not feel. No on likes being told they are wrong or that they need to pocket their feelings.

I like to believe I am a good person who fights hard for what she wants. I am messy and have a lot of issues but I will always have your back. Old friends could call me after years of being distant and I would drop everything to be there for them. I love with every fiber of my being. It's a beautiful thing but sometimes is a fatal flaw.

Today I had a coaching on one of my relationships and it's getting me in the right direction for that specific situation but it didn't go the way I had expected it to go. I'm a planner girl. I write lists, have a paper planner, write in a journal, blog and so much more. I like things to go the way I plan them because then I have some control.

Well today did not go as I expected, it didn't go bad but I was left a little disappointed. After I calmed down and really took in everything I was told I was okay but initially I wasn't. Not having control or knowing whats going to happen scares me. Not just feeling scared. They scare me deep down to my core to the point where I get sick. Physically sick, emotionally a mess and more.

My life is advancing in so many ways right now and I am so proud of myself. I'm taking the steps to get myself in a better place mentally and financially. But, my relationships have spiraled like they have my whole life. I look back and every single relationship went the way it went because I am a self sabotage kind of person. My brain will convince me that It will go bad till eventually I destroy everything in my path.

Living a life like this is lonely. Borderline can be treated and I am so ready to get started on that journey but I am realizing how bad this disorder has affected my life. I had a best friend and things between us ended bad. If I could take back how things ended I would but I can't. I've tried contacting her to explain how sorry I am and how much I miss her. God I miss her so much. But she has no desire to talk to me. I destroyed us that bad, she knows I have kids now and has no desire to meet them.

The world is scary and I thinks that's why I am trying so hard to control the relationships I have, also it's a habit. Nothing is promised and people don't have to be in your life if they don't want to be. You can hurt people and think you didn't do anything wrong. I was living life as the victim and now I am a very lonely person. I can't make her or anyone else come back into my life. I can't take back my bad mistakes. But I can start living day by day, moment by moment because I want to enjoy life instead of flowing through it like it's a race I have to win. I want to be happy and make memories. To stop sabotaging anything in my path. If I hurt you in the past I am sorry. I was sicker than I ever thought possible.

I am a better person today and will be an even better person tomorrow.

One day at a time.

One moment at a time.

One problem to solve at a time.

I GOT THIS.