Reflection Looking Back At Me

Today I am going to touch base on something different but very real for very many people. I have always dealt with self esteem issues due to my mom and other factors. I could never be good enough for myself so I sabotaged other relationships in my life. I had so little faith in myself that I destroyed anything that would be good for me. I had a bunch of other factors happen to cause me to destroy anything that made me happy. I lived in a constant victim mentality because it’s how I was raised. I also had no coping mechanisms or knew I had some mental disorders to deal with.

When people say words hurt worse than physical pain; I think it’s true to an extent. I can still hear some of the negative things people have said to me repeat in my head like a bad movie. They became the constant voice in my head. I was raised to think weighing above 80 pounds is fat and disgusting. I weigh 94 now after having a baby and this the norm for me after overcoming Anorexia in high school. Gaining weight is extremely hard for me so when I had that voice repeating in my head over and over again that I was fat not eating became the easy way out. I have those days where I feel absolutely beautiful but its not common and when I do I still look in the mirror and nit pick myself for every little thing.

I know for a fact I had a nice body before I got pregnant. I don’t say that to be conceded or because I agreed with it, I just know it. I still had my flaws like everyone. I got into modeling which shot my self esteem way up when I looked at the photos but not if I looked in the mirror. I definitely could fake it till I made it though. Most guys believed I was confident and loved my body for good and bad reasons. I never had a problem getting guys to be physical with me but it just fed into my feeling worthless. I finally got pregnant and I knew my body would change, I mean I was growing a tiny human. I was all belly and only got up to 126 when I delivered my son, and was back down to 96 a week later. I had gone almost my entire pregnancy without my hips moving and no stretch marks. It was easy to love my body because I was growing my son and every change meant I was getting closer to meeting the love of my life.

When he finally dropped at 36 weeks I got stretch marks so bad they bled. My stomach looked like someone tore it open by scratching all across the bottom. They weren’t the small stretch marks that come in groups. They were long/wide marks that looked like someone scratched down my stomach. They were red and you can physically feel where the skin tore when you feel them 15 months later. Loving my body after having Edward was a interesting process. I looked the same with clothes on, you couldn’t even tell I had a baby. I was back down to a normal weight for me and wearing my pre-pregnancy clothes. When I didn’t have a shirt on though, my very prominent annoying stretch marks were there. They look normal when I stand but when I sit they get wrinkly and sag like excess skin.

I knew I was beyond lucky to not only carry a child for 39 weeks but also have a healthy baby. Learning to love my new body is still a challenge I go through every day. I love what it represents and will cherish my stretch marks the rest of my life but loving myself 100% of the time is definitely a challenge. If you have had a baby, lost a bunch of weight, gained a bunch of weight, have scars, or a medical condition your body is beautiful. Regardless of the reason you struggle to love your body just know someone out there does. I’m lucky to have a husband who reminds me every day how beautiful and amazing I am. My hair can be standing up and he still thinks I’m the prettiest girl to walk earth. Loving yourself is one of the hardest trials I’ve been through and it’s a fight I will fight till I die. I am me for a reason and my son loves me stretch marks and all. He doesn’t even know those are how I got him here and the amazing significance of them. My husband loves me more fiercely than ever and realizes more than I do that they are the best version me. They represent me and what I’ve done. So here is to loving myself a little harder every day no matter the flaw. I am beautiful and incredible no matter what I use to look like compared to now.

Photos by: Jeremy Hall