Punching Bag

It's incredibly hard to break old habits, especially the toxic ones. I grew up with a very difficult childhood where my mom wasn't around a lot and when she was she was very abusive in many ways. I was taught how to steal before I was in Jr high. I was watching my siblings instead of hanging out with friends after school because no one else could, I didn't know anything different. I became my dads personal punching bag. When bills stressed him I got yelled at, or when anything went wrong actually. I was responsible for two kids and my dad from 8 years old.

I'm pretty sure this is why I never really got into trouble as a teenager. I wasn't able to really experience a lot of things because of this. Which I am grateful for, I could have gotten into a lot of trouble. But I was also naive in so many things. I started talking to a guy at 16 who took advantage of my mental health and past. He took my virginity and I believed him when he said what we did wasn't considered sex. I was so use to being everyone's punching bag that I stuck with him for 4 years. Everytime he cheated, everytime he hit me, everytime he verbally abused me. I now have actually realized this man who I fought so hard for and loved so fiercely actually had raped me multiple times when I had told him no.

I thought that was just how things were because of the man it started with. Than the same man who used me as a punching bag my whole life kicked me out, turned my phone off and became verbally abusive because I loved the man he knew was bad for me. Instead of trying to explain why he thought this guy was bad for me he pushed me further to him. I ended up moving in with him because I didn't have any where else to go. Living with him it only got worse.... Every time he did drugs or drank he got more physical and destroyed me more and more.

I already hated myself from what I was taught as a child and I allowed every single person to make me feel worse. Anyways, I am learning that no matter how people come into your life, they can make you feel like crap. They can tear you down and take your light away.

I have been an absolute wreck this month. I stopped going to therapy and I have spiraled (dumb insurance). I have had days where it was a marathon to get out of bed. I cried so much this month I could have watered some plants, but seriously so much. I started smoking a vape (I know I swore I'd never do that) it's calmed me down a little bit. The last couple days I've been able to function and not cry all the time.

Than today my dad came over like he always does every weekend. Except he was angry and just in a bad mood. I started cleaning and tried to ignore him. He was angry and snapping at me about everything. I looked at him and said how can I help? What do you need? Which ended in more yelling about other people and things I have nothing to do with. So he walked away and I took a deep breathe. Was able to breathe and decided in that moment, I was able to control my reaction. I am no longer going to be his punching bag.

At first it made me feel worthless, angry, like a failure. I am convinced if I didn't have Edward I wouldn't hear from him. Why would he need to call me? In his eyes along with most of my family I am the broken and crazy one. So from this moment on I' m going to breathe and let it go. I am no ones punching bag and I deserve so much better than that. It is not my responsibility to save or make everyone feel better. I don't need a blood family if that's what's going to come from it.

I have every right to act out and retaliate not only because of how I am treated but because I honestly believe that most of my family knew what was happening to us as children. They sat back and let it happen and treat me like shit because of who came out of it.

I promise no matter how hard it gets, how worthless you feel or how shitty your situation is. It gets better and you can change your story and path. Find you center, breathe.

I have a board like a dream board that has affirmations on it, goals and in the middle it says "Change your mentality: I am Healing, I am growing, I am worthy, I am lovable, I am capable." Than there is a quote that says

"You are worth your imperfections

You are worth your bad days

You are worth your confusion

You are worth your insecurities

You are worth fighting for

and you are worth loving and that's a F****** fact.

So fight, no matter how hard it gets, fight like hell. Without the darkness you can't enjoy the light.