Next Steps

Well I saw Dr. Rayner about the spray Ketamine. I think we have a really good plan that is going to get me to the destination I’ve been fighting for. He is testing my Thyroid to see if that is part of the issue. I have way more than just the depression symptoms of Thyroid disease; weight issues, hair loss, exhaustion, etc. So were waiting on those test results. In the mean time we are going to be switching to spray Ketamine 3 times a week at the end of September. I will do 2 more infusions before switching to the spray Ketamine but will only be taking a dose of 130 MG instead of the 150 MG I have been at with the infusions. He thinks that the 150MG plus the nausea medication is too much so I’m hitting a blockage. Doing it three times a week will allow my brain to process things with my EMDR therapy and not be hit with my brain shutting down. I will still get the disassociation but for about an hour at home. I will be able to get the out of body experience while re-living the trauma.

Some people with PTSD re-live trauma like a movie but I am one of those people where everything goes black and I shut completely down. My brain has repressed almost my entire life to protect me from the trauma but it’s also blocked the good times. It has made remembering anything very difficult. The memories I do have are hard to even articulate and when I think about them my stomach goes into my throat. I have no idea how I survived and am still here. There is no way I lived through all of these horrible things to be here for no reason. Knowing and believing this makes the fight so much easier.

Since my last Ketamine infusion (12th) I have been very up and down. Some days I am frustrated and sad, other days I am so happy I feel like I could fly. I have become very aware of things in my life I want changed, and things I am okay with staying the same. Some of these things I’m feeling very uncertain about and that scares the hell out of me. I hate feeling uncertain and not having answers to things. I know I am better and I wish the people I lost during my dark times could see how successful and amazing I am now. I know I still have work to do but I am doing the best I have done in my entire life. I made so many mistakes and hurt so many people because of my past.

I cant take those times or get those people back but I can remember them and continue to become an even better person than I was before. My past is dark and scary but I survived it for a reason and I will never stop fighting like hell to finally keep it in the past. It's crazy how even not remembering things that happened can effect your day to day life without you even knowing it.

I am overwhelmed but excited for the person I am becoming and the person I am today. To everyone who is still in my life or the people who aren’t...... You all shaped me and helped me be who I am today and I will forever be grateful for that. Because of all of you being in my life at the time that you were made sure my son has a momma who is happy. He won’t grow up wondering why his mom could never be happy or praying for a whole other family like I did. I can remember balling my eyes out while the pain in my chest was so bad I felt like I was dying. Praying and begging the universe to give me a new family or just kill me because life was just too much. Edward won’t have a perfect life but he will have a good one. Loving myself still is one of the biggest fights I fight daily but I know I am one pretty incredible woman to be standing here today. I will no longer be referred to as the broken girl. I’m just Haley and I wouldn’t want to be anyone else.

Photo By: Jeremy Hall