New Plan

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I am slowly realizing how traumatic my past was. As memories flow through my head my patters and behaviors make more sense. I was recently diagnosed with BPD, which is not genetic. It is caused by severe trauma and events. I've tried medication, Ketamine, therapy, journaling, work shops, self help books. All of these things have helped in ways I could have never imagined but I always end up right back where I started.

I don't love myself and haven't my entire life. I don't know anyone else who was thinking about suicide before 6 years old. But I did; I remember being on the bus and telling a friend that it would be better if I was dead and that I was going to kill myself. I was supposed to be a kid going to school. Talking about recess or homework, not ending my life. But that was my reality and has been.

I'm grateful my attempts to take my life haven't been successful. Even with all the hard times and things I've been through I am grateful to be here. I have three amazing kids who couldn't be more amazing. I have a best friend who loves me. A family who supports me. But I still am missing a huge chunk of myself.

So I did research and tried to understand BPD the best I could. I found a therapy center called pathways here in Utah. I spoke to the owner who is going to get me set up with a team in my May when I have insurance. Thats right a whole team. Do genetic testing to see what medications work best for my body. Make sure all of my diagnosis are correct and teach me to love myself. To be a working, helping member of society.

Maybe if I can learn to love myself I'll finally be able to keep relationships, not self sabotage everything good I have going for me. I am determined, stubborn and so many other things. What I am not is confident, loving or feel deserving towards myself. Once I can get some things down maybe the trauma will be a little easier to handle.

It's going to be so hard and take so much out of me. I am working full time, a single mom full time, fighting for relationships to work and now getting into intense outpatient therapy. But I know I got this and I can do it. I have already broke the cycle of abuse towards my kids. I just have to keep fighting. On the days I can't fight for myself I will fight for my kids.

They deserve a happy mom.

I deserve a happy life.

My relationships deserve a happy life.

Affirmations, dancing it out, intense work on myself, relationships, and so much more is coming my way. 2020 has already been such a scary year. So many unknowns and things we can't control. But what I can control is my journey and the healing of myself. I deserve better damn it and will fight like hell to get it. 2020 I'm not scared of you, better step aside and get ready for Haley to be back strong!