Forever Won In The End

This is a subject I have been avoiding talking about for multiple reasons. First off I am working extremely hard to keep my life private. One of the biggest issues with him and I's relationship is it was so public. I had to hide so much when I was a child that when I got older I blasted everything. Bad, good, emotional break down, opinions, fights, every single thing. I'm learning to balance being vulnerable and honest on here while still keeping my privacy and boundaries. Second is because it's scary and unknown. May 1, 2020 him and I decided to make our relationship work. We never stopped when the divorce was finalized. We just weren't legally bound to each other anymore. The flirting and love talk never stopped. Neither did the fighting though till we decided to start High Thrive couching on March 20th.

We are nowhere at a perfect place and I don't think we will be ever. We both have made strides though but we also both know how to get deep into each others skin. It's hard to break old habits when your brain associates them with the person. I did so much work when I was in-patient for 22 days. My biggest fear since coming out was to slip into old habits. I've done so good so far, holding boundaries and standing up for myself. Cutting people out even if it's the family and letting go wasn't easy. The biggest challenge was coming to Washington so far though. Being in a long distance relationship is easy for us, we got married so fast all we've known is living together. So loving from afar is as easy as breathing.

We've been doing amazing at not fighting and communicating. We do High Thrive coaching and it has done wonders for us. But we were back together and things were so good. We've been in one fight since I've been in Washington and it was like none of my work had happened. I froze and somewhere fear took all control and I turned cold. I tried to run and shut down. All communication and logic was gone. My grounding techniques and all my work was gone.

I overreacted over a simple situation instead of processing it and letting it go. I am choosing to continue loving him even if it means my recovery will be a little harder and longer. I've done so good at using all my skills and standing up for myself. I need to remind myself I am allowed setbacks and I am human. He's my weakness, and that is okay. When I was inpatient I didn't have any distractions or things to get in the way of my recovery.

My entire life I've run from hard relationships and it's what I did when I left him. I was so far gone mentally that there was no healing. Pathways saved me and is continuing making me a better person. I am gaining the skills. He's on his own journey and that's okay but I need to realize they can all co inside but my journey and our relationship journey are separate. I can do work on myself and it can continue going well with me making strides. I can't take it personally if we have set backs. It does not mean any of my work isn't working or worth it.

I want everything to be easy or a list I can check off. Relationships aren't like that especially with our situations and baggage. I constantly want to save everyone else that I tear myself down in the process of excusing others behaviors. So I am going to try to focus on my different healing processes like a puzzle. Each peace needs work to be able to be put where it belongs. I don't know where things are taking me or how long I will be in mental recovery. I do know I love him. I know I love myself now. I am healing even though a lot of people take my boundaries and standing up for myself as me just being "crazy". But I'd rather people think I am crazy than continue living the way I was.

Fight for yourself and the rest will come easier. Make time for yourself even if it's five minutes. I need to put him above the kids sometimes. He deserves my attention and love sometimes. We forget when we become parents that our partner is human still. They have needs and connections. It's been quite the journey learning to love myself and put me first. Than split time between my kids and him so they all feel loved. But since making myself my number one priority the rest of the puzzle pieces have fallen into place. Even if they need a little extra love or work to fit.

Him,

I love you so much. I am so excited to make the life we dreamed of. To continue growing with you. It hasn't been easy and I wish we were going on four years of marriage but we live and learn. We have found our way back to each other and that is what matters. Thank you for supporting me in the process of therapy and healing. For telling me you love me when I try to run. For not letting me run no matter how much my instinct want to. You are my person. xoxo 9/22/2016 forever......