Disappointment

I am on a roll here with rough subjects.... Who knows maybe this is why I've had such a difficult week. But with every hard week is growth and a lesson though.

I layed there last night holding my perfect not yet damaged child. I never want him to feel anything less than love from me. I never want him to be scared to come to me about something bothering him. I want to actually accept him no matter what happens in his life; not just say it.

He will always be perfect in my eyes but I also know he is human and will make mistakes. He will have failures and emotions. As will all my children; future and present. And I want them to always feel my love as fiercely as I feel it no matter the circumstance.

The world is scary enough right now. So much unknown and dark things happening. I won't even get into those things happening because we all know them and it's not my point of this post.

My dad has always been my hero and my person. He raised me pretty much on his own and will always be there at a drop of a hat. One of my biggest fears is disappointing him. Making him feel anything less than proudness or love for me. I saw the struggles he had while raising us. The struggles he has within himself and the struggles he still has now. I always want to make him happy.

As we all know I have and am continuing to go through huge amounts of change. Setting boundaries, letting go of what others think of me, etc. He is still a part of me that I haven't quite been able to completely let go of. I hold everything he says to dear to my heart when that can't always be the case.

But Listen here, Every time you're given a choice between disappointing someone else and yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.

Stop and read that again.

Don't just read it; take it in.

Say it.

Believe it.

I have lived 27 years disappointing myself which typically ending up in me disappointing others as well anyways. So.....

Take the job.

Date the guy.

Make the jump.

Do the things that are going to make you happy and not disappoint YOU.

I was going to be a doctor, got talked out of Pre-Med. "You should be a nurse instead, see if you can handle that."

An idea I have. "Do you actually think you can do that?"

I won't continue listing things because the past is the past and I've decided to let it go. I stopped believing in myself and proved every single person right. Anyways, what I am trying to say is, I have been a much happier person since doing this. I still struggle a lot of the time. Especially with my dad but life isn't meant to be easy.