Day 5

No it wasn't just a bad night, it was a terrible day. The worst I have had in awhile. The kind of depression day where it is crippling and you can barely get the strength to breathe let alone move. I was able to get laundry and fed the kids but that was about it. I layed on the couch in tears for hours. I didn't want to be touched or even talked to.

Honestly today I actually wished I was dead. That I had succeeded those years ago, I didn't want to fight anymore.... I so tired of being the strong one; the one who takes care of everyone. I didn't want to continue feeling like this and feel absolutely nothing. To just let go and disappear into the darkness.

I was so empty and gone today that I realized how much I need my Ketamine Wednesday. How resetting my brain every 6 months really is so helpful. Mental health doesn't always get better. You always have set backs, bad days, days where you don't want to be alive. Days where continuing to breathing took everything I had.

My brain didn't stop the marathon till I started cooking dinner. I was supposed to see my friend Aspen, go to a birthday party with the kids, contine catching up on the house. I couldn't even get myself up to get out the door let alone get us ready. I didn't even brush my hair. That's what depression looks like though. These days will always come, no matter how hard you try to fix everything.

The days where you have no reason to keep living and the only thing keeping you alive is the breaths you take. I am NOT going to hurt myself so that doesn't need to be something to worry about. Suicidal thoughts aren't always plans or alarms. You can have suicidal ideation every day and still be okay. It's not that I want to actually die, that is the confusion though. People hear someone wants to die and they think the worst possible scenario. It's the want for everything to be calm and quiet. Everything to be still and the pain to go away. For one freaking day to just be Haley without the storm going on inside me. A day where I don't have to fight so hard for what others get naturally.

There was a time when I did want what you think of when you hear someone wants to die. Where I wanted to disappear and not exist. But today I just wanted it to stop; to have a moment where I could actually breathe. Nothing falling apart that I can't do anything about. A moment where time essentially stops. Like a breath of fresh air after feeling like you are suffocating.

I am going to fight like hell to make tomorrow a better day. Fight for my mentality to win the battle instead of losing like it did today. Today may have been hard and sucked but at least my kids were fed, I got laundry done. Some progress is better than none.