Day 4

Today was a productive terrible day. I got half of my list done; cleaned my room, laundry, cleaned the living room and got half of the carpet cleaned. Still have more laundry to do over the weekend. I got really sick so I only got half of the living room done. My chest got tight and I couldn't breathe. Even my inhaler didn't make me feel better, so we took a nap.

I did feel better when I woke up till I started cooking dinner while cleaning the kitchen. Walking up and down the stairs, and bathing the kids was hard. I checked my oxygen levels and they were 97 so I decided to stop cleaning and take it easy the rest of the night.

It's almost 1AM and I am still awake. My brain won't stop racing. It's like a marathon thinking of every possible thing. Just over and over again without even a moment of quiet. Song lyrics, what if's, my past, bad flashbacks, and so much more. I don't know how my brain hasn't exploded yet. There is a solution coming Wednesday but the anxiety and dark cloud wasn't stopping last night.

I am also so angry...... Because of him not being here, when I need him he isn't here, doing this alone. Wondering when I am not going to be exhausted all the time while feeling like a complete failure. It's a new year and this was not how I wanted to start. I just want to sleep and my brain to quiet and calm.

Edward is growing and has so many emotions. He can become unconsolable no matter what I do. Sometimes I don't know what to do or how to help. Tonight I was trying to get him to sleep. Put a movie on and we had a sleepover in the living room with his sister. Since I started co sleeping (which I swore I'd never do) he has to be touching me. He pinches, rubs my arm and face, and sticks his hand up my sleeve.

This is gonna make me sound like the worst mom in the world but lately I cringe at night because I just need personal space and a moment to myself without a child climbing on me. I have to literally calm myself down because I get so much anxiety and frustrated. Frustrated that I gave in by putting him in bed with me causing this habit. He refuses to sleep in his room and when I put him in his room it's him crying every couple hours. I am so tired and my momma heart breaks that I just give in.

My heart aches because even though things are so tough and this is definitely not a good time; my heart aches for another baby like it did the 7 months it took to get pregnant with Edward. I long for the life I had planned and invisoned. We were gonna try for a baby once Edward was 3. Everything that happened in 2019..... This would have been my fifth year of marriage. My husbands family use to be my second family before I just became the girl who left their family....

Luckily tomorrow is a new start and I have the power to fight and change my mentality to make it a good day. I am so close to my ketamine booster and things to come. I just have to fight it out like I've done my whole life.