Clouds That Seem To Never Leave

My life has so many unknowns right now and I am taking it all day by day. I have days that are good and days that are bad. Today is one of those days where I am outright angry and spent most of my day crying. My ex and I can’t seem to get along no matter how hard we try. The anxiety of not having my son every other weekend is crippling me. I want to scream and hide.

I have had him 70% of the time since he was born. As soon as I get off work, he’s the only person I want to see. He is 100% a mamma's boy and I worry. This is my new reality though and sadly I have no choice. So, I will do what I must. I am not his only parent and he needs his dad.

Divorce was not in my plans. Split custody of my son wasn’t in my plans. Feeling completely helpless and angry wasn’t in my plans. But what’s meant to be mine, is already making its way to me. What was never mine is starting to flee from my mind. With time, it will all make sense. So, for now I will bear the confusion, bad feelings and focus on living fully in the present. I won’t let my whole life be "I’ll be happy when"……. I am going to be happy now.

The moment with my kids will be even more precious now and we will have chances to miss each other. I am free to start over and learn from my mistakes. Have a relationship that isn’t built off negativity or passion. A relationship based off love and peace, one that doesn’t hurt so much.

I loved him and I will always love him in a part of my heart. He was my partner for three years, the father of my son and my best friend. We just weren’t quite the right puzzle piece for each other. I want nothing but happiness for him. Walking away from him wasn’t easy by any means and still hurts most days. We were supposed to be each other’s forever, grow old together. But life had different plans for us.

My relationship with him made me a different person. A song I know puts it into perfect words:

"But maybe it's the worst in me That's bringing out the worst in you I know we can fix these kinks But the worst in me doesn't want to work on things But the best of me wants to love you But the worst in me doesn't want to."

I finally couldn't fight anymore and had to walk away. There wasn't anymore kinks to fix. No one is to blame and we both have different sides to the story. So instead of placing blame I’m just letting go of the whole situation and becoming the best me, I possibly can be. I’ve learned there is no “perfect” me. It’s a constant learning experience with growth. The best I can do is give my 100% and do what is best for ME regardless of what anyone thinks. I must come first no matter how hard it can be. Hopefully the pain will end soon so the healing can begin.