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I've sat here looking at the computer multiple times, trying to figure out what to say and my mind goes blank. I've hit a huge road block in my writing and it sucks but it's life. Still not ready to talk about everything that's been happening. There is a lot of unknown in my life right now and handling that fear takes a lot of energy. I am a mom, so I have to be strong and not let them know I am struggling.

I started the lozenge Ketamine and it's helping so much. Last night I did my third dose and got sick like I did the first time I did my Ketamine. I threw up and felt like I was on a merry go round. BUT this time I was able to process a lot about my current situation.

The way my brain works is like a movie, memories (especially the bad ones) replay in my mind like I'm watching someone else's life but it's me in their place. So when trauma happens it pops up at the worst possible times. Conversations, images, experiences, etc. They hit me like a baseball in the stomach. I can't breathe and I feel like my world is crashing.

Ketamine resets my brain and allows it breathe. I'm able to process these things without my anxiety and depression taking over. I'm having to make the most difficult decisions of my life right now. I am a perfectionist; so I want everything to be perfect and smooth. Making decisions that could impact not only my life make me want to hide. But the Ketamine allows me to think clearly so I can make these decisions.

None of the decisions I make are going to be perfect and that's just life. I know that I love my kids, I am smart, I am a good person/friend. I can be successful no matter what else life decides to throw at me. My adulthood is different than my child hood in may ways but it's also the same in others. My life may just be rough through all of it..... I was given way too big of a heart and a life that makes no sense but I have so many good things that make waking up every morning worth it.

So I will smile even when I want to cry. I will play with my kids even if I am beyond tired. I will put me first sometimes because I am not just a mom, employee, or family member. This life is all I get so no matter how rough it get's I am going to make the best of it. That's the best I got. So I will smile even if I feel like crying, I will fight hard for the best life I can give myself and my tiny humans.

Picture from: Jeremy Hall