Accepting The Reality, Trusting The Future

I'm sitting here while an internal battle is occurring. My brain is fighting my new meds so it can remain the same and not get better. See I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. It explains a lot but was not easy to hear or accept. I always knew I was depressed and had anxiety; but I also thought my trauma was the reason I am the way I am. Why I cannot trust, decide anything, let things go, etc.

I second guessing everything now. Wondering what could have been avoided if I had let my pride go. I want my husband back, and I have no idea if I will ever get him back. This scares me worse than anything. Between my trauma and the bipolar disorder my actions and struggles in 2019 make a little more sense now. Filing for divorce twice because I couldn't make up my mind. Allowing others to influence me so much that it defined my life.

I allowed others opinions to change my view on everything. To completely shut down my own feelings and jump on what I thought everyone wanted to hear. Him and I had our issues I am not denying that, but our issues only escalated when we moved to Utah. Things never got as bad as they did here because it was just us, not everyone else I was trying to make happy. The person I allowed myself to become in 2019 is no one I ever thought id become.

So I am cutting toxic relationships, fighting for my husband till I know I don't have a chance anymore, proving that I am not a horrible person. Working on myself and getting better, paying off debt, working on my writing more often. I have no idea where I will end up, I am hoping by April 1st, either him and I will be back together or I'll know if we aren't going to work. He will be here for a few days soon and that will be the ultimate test.

To see that we do still love each other, and make sure we aren't just holding onto a memory or something comfortable. That we both genuinely want to be together and not just for comfort reasons. I'm terrified that my stubbornness, pride and many other things stopped me from accepting the help I needed. Either way I will have to live with the end result. So for now even though my brain is staging a war; I am going to trust in the future and allow myself to get better while also doing what is best for me and Edward.