9-8-20 Shit Show

The weather is something else today. Gusts of wind destroying most things it comes in contact with. It's funny how the weather can match my mood a lot. Seems to know just when my world seems to be crashing.

The morning started and has continued with a toddler who just refuses to listen today. Hitting, throwing things, angry. He misses his dad and is just having a rough day. I am sure he can sense it is not a good day for me as well. I just want to shut myself in the bathroom and not leave. I feel like I'm suffocating and can't breath. I am so tired. My body is tired from battling all my fights this year. For failed relationships no matter how much I was willing to do to keep the relationship going.

Than the realization that some people aren't meant to be close to us long term. Like my post from earlier; everything happens for a reason. But damn today I just want to scream and cry because I need a break. I want to run and never look back. Can one thing be easy for once?

Group therapy was so rough today. I had to take an emergency anxiety med which hasn't happened since I left pathways. It was rough and made me physically sick. It was beneficial and I learned from it. Facing my past and hard memories in the face is manageable but so hard. I was already off in the first place and therapy just made me a little worse. I just want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. Since that can't happen I am going to love myself and get through it alone Luckily I am good at being alone....

I am going to sit here and cry. Cry it all out than pick myself back up because I am strength. I am a mom who can't fall apart for long. I deserve a good day and to breathe. I will spend time with my son no matter how frustrating he is today. I will cook us dinner, work out and end my night reading. Enjoy the weather that matches the battle I'm dealing with inside. Tomorrow is a new day and I'm gonna make it a good one.