2020 Isolation

Like most people I am ready for 2021 and what we took advantage as being normal in the past. No masks, interaction with other humans, physical touch, full restaurants. Mental illness is already such a hard thing to deal with on a daily basis now add isolation, fear, stress, uncertainty. For an overthinker like myself this is a disaster. It is exhausting. It it physically and mentally draining.

Luckily when the pandemic began I was working then when I was laid off I committed myself into a inpatient program for mental health. I've been doing so well since getting out. My therapist kept saying I'm proud of you but I am also worried for when your crash comes. I have also been concerned when this was gonna hit. Things can't keep going this amazing can they? I haven't been cured, there is no cure.

1. Loneliness hits. The less and less you see of people you wonder if you are truly wanted? Who will be there after this is all over? It feels like everyone has somebody they are closer to, or happier around. I long for that kind of relationship but always seem to be the odd ball out. I have plenty of friends and meaningful relationships but once my brain gets going it's hard to remember that. Being isolated has made this almost impossible to counteract. If I am surrounded by loved ones I can challenge that loneliness and the thoughts in my brain by realizing I am interacting with people and they are happy to be around me. Sitting in my house with a 2 year old not so much. Interacting over social media gets difficult. It's hard to see others interact with social media and not compare interactions or conversations involving yourself. So I choose to distance myself out of fear because in the end that's what they want. Right?

2. Fear of abandonment hits. You're already feeling lonely and clingy. Now that you aren't doing much you don't have much things to talk about anymore. Nobody wants to hear for the millionth time how my toddler threw another fit today. Everyone I became close to at pathways inpatient center have became a family. Some of us are healing quicker than others. We are are on our own journey. Abandonment hits big with them and my old friends. One of my biggest fears getting better was people wouldn't like the new me. The me who stands up for herself. Who sets boundaries. Would being better really be good if I lost everyone? I worry about every single one of my pathway friends and staff. I'm worried I will lose memories that have made such a significant difference in my life. I'm worried if we aren't at the same stages we will move on from each other as we grow and become different people. I am terrified now that I am home, I may revert to an old version of Haley. The people who I was so close to are gonna not understand the new Haley and leave. The one i'd rather leave in the past. Every single friendship I have has taught me so much and I tend to hold onto it so tight.

3. Urges. My urges if any is self harm. I haven't self harmed in almost four years now. This has not been an easy task by any means. Especially the last two weeks. I slipped in the shower and the razor happened to go down the back of my arm. As soon as the blade slid on my skin I got a "Cutters High". I got so dizzy I had to sit down. Feeling that flood of numbness and "high" has heightened my urges. I've stayed strong and haven't self harmed but all the mixes of the above signs have made the urge stronger even if I hadn't fell. This is something I struggle with because my scars from self harming aren't terrible or noticeable. I don't look like someone who would self harm. I'm lucky in that aspect that people don't know unless I talk about it. When you feel isolated or an inconvenience it's hard to reach out when you need help. When my brain is clear, rational mindset I am able to reach out for help without actually mentioning what's going on in my head. Which most people don't wanna know, that's a very dark place.

Isolation has made me more aware of myself. I am learning to manage myself and rely on myself better. I have no other choice. focusing on therapy, working out and finding the next job in my life. Loving my days with my son and learning how to push my mental health to the side so I can be a mom and let it come to the table when it's safe again. Any ups and downs can be difficult but mine are so extreme. I feel like I would have crashed even without isolation. You can only be high for so long. I was in a confined place where we had routine and focused 100% on ourselves. Now I am a single mom who over extends herself for anyone around her. I will drop anything to help someone else. Trying to make a long distance relationship last with 900 miles in between us. Craving that physical touch, nearly kills me.

I also need to learn to have my crash weeks and than get back up and be okay. I tend to beat myself up for every mistake I make. I missed therapy this week when I really needed it. I can always seem to make it to most of my group therapy but lately once it hits like 1, I'm checked out.

Being a single mom full time never leaving is so hard. I know I am a good mom but I feel like I am failing during this isolation. I feel like he deserves a better mom. I feel like maybe I am missing therapy because I don't deserve it. I could go for hours if I actually wrote everything going through my head. I need to allow myself to have bad days and weeks. I need to give myself a break so I can get back to managing my time effective like I always have. So cheers to bad days, growth, hard things and change. We can have even rough months than dust ourselves off and keep going.

From a song I learned in pathways says:

"What if who I hope to be was always me."

"And the love I fought to feel was always free."

"What if all the things i've done are just attempts at earning love."

"Because the hole inside my heart is stupid deep."

(Stupid Deep - Jon Bellion) Thanks Phoebe <3