12 Ketamine

Today was my 12th Ketamine infusion. I left today with not a lot of improvement and very very lost. Every single person is different and it’s hard to remember that some days. We heal, grieve, live, and function on different levels. I was very angry this last week knowing I still need Ketamine to function on a regular basis. Moving my treatments to Bi-weekly has been quite the struggle. Balancing out my EMDR along with antidepressants is a huge trial and error. I’m having more lows than highs right now which feels defeating and makes me just wanna cry.

Everyone is fine with me being on my antidepressants full time forever but Ketamine is looked at in a very different way. It’s a controlled substance so I totally get why it causes so much concern, but why is it so wrong to need Ketamine but okay to need my anti depressant daily. They both are drugs that help fight the way my brain is wired. The high is not pleasant by any means. The days where I get my Ketamine I am down for the day. Sleepy, out of it, have trouble playing with my kids. I am miserable, It’s like one of the hardest days of depression where you can’t move or think.

Due to me being on my 12th treatment we sat down with the nurse today before getting started. We always check in and talk while the process is started but after my week and the number of Ketamine treatments it has taken to get where I am, we needed to be a little deeper. I was in such a frustrated state the typical how my week was going was not going to do anyone any good. We are going to explore some options it’s just a matter of finding out what is best and what is going to work. I knew getting into this that my process could be longer due to my history with antidepressants, how locked up my brain is and my past.

One of the options is trying EMDR while under a small dosage of Ketamine so I am not hit so hard with what I am processing. It will help my brain to heal and process as we are doing the steps. I am doing the work and trying with every fiber in my being to fight like hell for a long term solution. I saw such good results when I first started Ketamine so it made me assume this was going to be a fast process. I have always looked back and seen a black hole where my memories should be, no matter what I did I never was able to unlock it. When I started Ketamine some of my brain allowed itself to unlock.......

I am going to share something I haven’t really shared with anyone because it is out right sickening. During one of my treatments I had a memory come out of me being held down at a very young age while a man sexually assaulted me so that the person holding me down could get drugs. This was my past. This damage and trauma was very real and it happened. Having such an intense memory pop up shut my brain down completely. It is a constant battle lately to get anything unlocked with EMDR or Ketamine. Good memories included, it’s not just the bad ones my brain is shutting out. It’s everything, the good memories I crave to look back on and smile.

Second option is meeting with Dr. Rainer, Hansel to get the spray Ketamine for the day’s I do my EMDR so I can do the spray and process everything once I am home. Only doing the IV treatments monthly till I am at a comfortable stage of only needing boosters is the hope. There is no way to know if I will need the boosters or monthly with the spray. I am willing to try whatever it takes and if I end up needing Ketamine to be a permanent part of my life I am okay with it. I am not an addict nor will I be, I am just a girl trying to put her puzzle back together. I have a lot to figure out. I know that much. I will not allow other people to dictate what I need to get better. Him and Edward are the two who benefit from it most because they see me everyday. They see how improved my life has gotten these last 4 months. It’s okay to be lost, frustrated and all of the things. It’s not okay to give up. My family need me to be the best me. I need me to be the best me.

The future is very unknown right now, Ketamine is so new that there isn’t a concrete answer I can get or give. I knew my past and situation would take longer to heal and figure out but reality stings. I may need Ketamine the rest of my life like I do my antidepressant. I may not, either way I am okay with it. I am being carefully watched to make sure I am not developing an addiction and to make sure I am executing all of my options. This last month has flat out just been a crappy month. After this month things could turn around but no one knows. I will keep everyone in the loop and try my best to be honest and vulnerable. All I do know right now is Ketamine is saving me so it definitely won't be disappearing anytime soon.