11th Ketamine Treatment

I had a very hard time admitting I needed a little more help. I am one of those people who start to feel better and than think oh I'm good finally all the work is done. In reality we all need a little more work on ourselves even if it has nothing to do with your past. I had avoided EMDR for so long because I knew it would be extremely difficult. The things I do remember from my past are scary and very hard to handle for me let alone anyone else. As soon as memories started popping up like movies with Ketamine I knew even if I didn't want to be ready my brain was ready to process it all.

The days I get my ketamine treatments are not easy by any stretch of the imagination. Going two week without it hit my body even stronger today and I still am having trouble keeping my eyes open. From what he told me the high was so intense today I was trying to talk to him and Jackie (My amazing nurse) and they had no idea what I was saying it was all jumbled. I am not supper high right now but who knows how and when that will all level out. I am feeling kinda down but as I keep reminding myself that is okay. It's okay to need help, it's okay to have rough weeks and days. Yesterday it wasn't just me, my entire family straight down to the kids and my sister had horrible frustrating day's. Mine was so bad that it brought me to tears.

I have a huge heart that ends up being a curse most of the time. I take on everyone else problems, ignore things I shouldn't, and just overall stand in the shadows letting people walk all over me. Ketamine has given me the strength to really step up for myself in situation where I actually needed it. I will probably be in EMDR and possibly even Ketamine for years and that's okay. The amount of change I have experienced since starting my journey of healing has already brought me thousands of miles from where I was before and I wont stop the fight till I know with everything in me I am is where I'm meant to be.

The amount of drive that Ketamine has helped me find again is crippling in such a good way. I look in the mirror and instead of seeing a victim or a broken girl I just see me and that feeling alone is worth all the money in the world. I am not perfect and still have my flaws and demons but I am slowly concurring them and becoming the best version of myself. If you need even a little bit of help don't hesitate to ask. That's the thing about tragedy and bad things there is no warning or time frame. Things just happen and you have to keep moving and if Ketamine is what it takes than by all means I'll gladly take it.

I'm hoping tomorrow goes better and I start to feel back to where I was when I stopped two weeks ago, but for now I am going to curl up in bed and get some rest because part of being okay is also taking care of yourself and knowing what you deserve.