Yet Another Wrong Diagnoses

I started therapy again today after being on a waiting list since we moved here. It's scary starting therapy with a new person, the amount of therapists I have gone to VS kept are insane. It usually takes me 5-10 times before finding the one I like. I walked in and connected with this woman so fast. It was just an intake and I already felt heard and like my path of healing will continue and not get side tracked.

I'm doing better than I ever have but I still struggle so much. There is so much I struggle with still and until I finish all my trauma therapy it will always be difficult. I believe no matter how "healed" you get; when you come from my past there is always work to do. Like my last therapist once said "Things happen to us and it doesn't matter if you remember them or not. They happened and will always be in the back of your mind. You cannot control the effects they have on you unless you work through as much as you can pull up." I've done anything I could to get through everything, even my newest hobby.

There isn't a lot I know; but I know my first memory of wanting to kill myself I was in kindergarten on a school bus, I was sex-trafficked by my own mother, I continually put myself in toxic abusive relationships not breaking the cycle. I don't know if I will ever completely heal but I do know I will fight like hell to do so. If I can make it through those and all the other dark things that happened I can make it through healing. As I go through therapy I won't stop being vulnerable so posts may have trigger warnings. It's my story and I will never stop sharing it.

So one of the things we went over today was everything I've been diagnosed with. I've now been diagnosed with bipolar, borderline personality disorder and than they were taken away.... Like WTF but I also know how complex the brain is and there is always more research and information to learn that can change things.

So I learned something so damn amazing today. I do not have Bipolar, nope and I believe this doctor; let me tell you why. I have never had more of a thorough intake in my life; not even when I went inpatient. So what I found out is I most likely have ADHD..... I say most likely because we need to do more work before I get an actual diagnosis. So, they have discovered that there is "Trauma induced ADHD".

I don't know about you but this blew my mind but also makes so much sense; especially because lately my memory is terrible. Like scary bad, if I hadn't had a recent MRI I would have my neurologist order one to be safe.

Here are a few of things that make so much sense:

• My random thinking and it being all over the place.

• My brain never stopping

• Unable to finish my book or projects I start

• Losing things; I have a tracker on my keys so I would be able to find them

• Losing thought mid sentence and going blank

• Never having a normal sleep pattern and be exhausted no matter what I do.

• Impulsiveness

• Restlessness (my leg shaking)

• Emotional dysregulation: Overblown reactions to small setbacks or challenges

I don't know if this will be my diagnosis, or what will happen if it is. My treatment plan will change if it is ADHD, starting with changing a ton of meds. Adding more therapy strategies in. I could get another diagnosis I never expected. Either way I will be okay because I finally feel like I'm in the right direction. My last therapist Jarom did so much for me and I know he'd be proud of me for finding and fighting to find what works for me.

I was almost in tears getting to therapy because the last thing I needed to hear was more bad news, to discover more reasons why I'm so hard to love and so easy to leave. But I ended up leaving with a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Something good is coming and I'm standing tall ready to receive it.

I don't want to just be a mom that is surviving for her kid. I want to be the strong mom that made it for not only that little boy but herself.

Were both in therapy and doing this healing process together. I never wanted him to have to heal from but I am not magic. I can only do my best; so instead he will look back and know that no matter what I was standing next to him. No matter how dark or scary it gets we have each other.

Now to end on a really good note, not that it wasn't a bad post. This kid..... I am tearing up because I would so lost without him. He amazes me every day even when I wanna rip my hair out. He went with my dad to my sisters back to school night and proudly went up to the teacher and counted to 10 and sang his alphabet so she knew how smart he is. He is always being goofy and making everyone laugh. Yesterday I asked him to not spray me with the hose and he did it again then says sorry mom I thought you wanted a swimming day; the laughter lasted long for that one. He has a response for everything that just blows your mind. He tries so hard to read and is asking math questions already. I don't know what I did to get him but I will be grateful every day for it. He pushes me to be a better person and is helping me find who I really am. (Yes he's not happy in the photo; he's angry and confused about why his dad would pick to live far away and never sees him, something were working through). I hope he realizes how strong and amazing he is and never lets anyone make him think any different, because he deserves the whole damn world.