Why they never tell

Today so many things have been in my face about my past. Part of today I felt like I couldn't breathe. First my Crime show and than life. A subject has been luring in the back of my mind and my dreams. The universe finally spoke up today and took the wind out of me. It was time to get this out of my head.

But first I want anyone who reads this to know that I am here. No matter the time or the situation. I was there more than once and couldn't get myself to accept the situation wasn't going to change. I wont say I told you so or shove it in your face. I will be there to hold you and help you pick up the pieces. It doesn't make you weak to ask for help. You aren't the only one who wishes the situation would be different.

laying awake at night wondering what is wrong with you and why you can't be enough. Every time it happens you hold your breathe and tell yourself it's going to be the last time. Wanting so deeply to be loved.

Crying silent tears.

Trying different versions that aren't even close to who you are so you fit this box they put in your head of who you should be.

I have been in more than one abusive relationship. I ruined relationships defending him when the ones I loved tried to warn me of the red flags I was blind or refused to see. They just didn't want me happy or to succeed. He filled my head with lies about them not loving me and that's why they didn't want us together. I can fix him, I am his chance. I can make this a perfect situation. He wouldn't do this if I could do better or be better.

When you don't believe that you deserve enough you wont allow the good in. You will crave and feed the hurricane till it consumes you. I am nowhere close to feeling enough but I am growing to the point that I don't accept the bare minimum anymore. I am allowing myself to let go and take it slow. One day at a time.

Don't walk away, don't give up. People in these kind of situations don't know they are enough. They don't know how to believe you or let you in. Stay close and always be there because when they are ready and decide enough is enough they will need you. They will need someone to pull them off the floor when they are ready to stand.

So many times we have no idea what is happening behind closed doors. We don't know why people do what they do. You can't just tell a drug addict to stop doing drugs and expect them to stop and understand why. You can't tell someone in an abusive relationships to walk away. Because in their mind they are where they are meant to be. Another ramble of a blog post but this is something I feel so strongly about. Everyone just wants to be loved.

Every person has a past.

Every person has baggage.

Every person has to learn on their own in their own time.

Every person hides things because they want it to look like they have it all together and that they are strong.

Just be there. That is all they need.