When the sky is as broken as you are

It rained today. I needed this so much, it’s a nice reminder that the sky needs to scream too. I broke down on the stairs, one of those painful cries I talk about. They are becoming more and more common. Anyways, as soon as I got the tears to slow down the sky started pouring. I relaxed and tried my best to give all my darkness to the sky to carry for the rest of the night.

I am definitely going to need another booster next month and in September. I’m trying to focus on how good I got before. To remind myself that the amount of stuff I am dealing with is unmanageable. I actually processed so much last ketamine infusion so I can’t beat myself up because I am still able to recognize that I need it. Admitting that I am struggling and it doesn't seem like the light will come back this time.

I don’t think I have been in this dark of a place in a long time. The drive to do anything is like running a marathon. I haven’t been cleaning and sleep whenever I get the chance to. If I didn’t have my son, I wouldn’t get out of bed at all. It’s sad and to some may be dramatic but it’s my reality… I’ve cut so many people off, the funny thing is they haven’t even noticed. It’s funny how once you stop putting in an effort you don’t hear from people anymore.

I sent an old friend a message today, which is nuts with everything going but, regardless of if I hear back or not it made me feel a little bit better. Finally giving into the loneliness is so liberating but also breaking me at the same time. I celebrated something with Mic; took her a present and let her know that she deserved to be appreciated. She looked at me and asked, “Do you have any friends who are loving and kind as you?”. No, I don’t, it’s always been me giving and giving. I was silent, I had no way to respond to that.

The memories lately are just getting worse and worse. I don’t want to go anywhere because I see flashes of us. I wake up gasping for air to the memories of the rapes and abuse like it’s happening all over again. I am isolating more and more and just don’t want anyone but Eddie around.

I am so damn mad that my heart is as big as it is, because I still am trying to excuse behavior and situations. No matter how much it backfires or hurts; I keep doing it. How can I still be this kind when the world has been so dark back? Screaming doesn’t help, sleeping is almost impossible for long periods of time unless it’s during the day. Luckily my therapist has been available to help me try to work through all this shit.

I have moments where I feel like I’ve let it all go, don’t care about the situations. Then like a gunshot it hits like it’s fresh. I know healing is a never-ending process, but God damn I am tired of going through it. I’m losing patience, I’ve been waiting so long for something to stop all this pain. Everytime I get close the universe laughs and says Haley can't be stable and ban a tsunami.

Hopefully I can stop running on empty and slowly take back parts of myself. Figure out how to be this new person and get past the old pain causing new pain. I am one strong woman; even the people who hate me will vouch that. I’m going to go dance it out than hold my one constant and go to bed. Manifesting tomorrow is a better day and if it isn’t; sky you could totally be angry and hurt with me again…..