When is the merry go round going to stop

I am trying my best to stay positive in my current situation while making the best of what I have. Divorce not only left me with debt I am stressing about paying off, but it also left me with emotional scars. Every single relationship I've been in has left me with emotional scars. They just seem to keep getting thicker and thicker instead of fading.

I have done everything I possibly could to deal with my own issues along with my mental health. Today I feel like I've hit a roadblock and will never find my way. I am angry, sad, frustrated. My childhood was not easy, may not have been the worse but was not easy by any means. There was physical abuse that I still have scars from, Sexual, and emotional. This has caused any sort of relationship to be a struggle for me.

I can’t help but want to scream. Why?! Why can’t it be my time for things to go smoothly and not so damn hard. I am one strong woman, but God Damn I need a break. I need a simple time in my life where I am not constantly fighting to keep my head above water. I can honestly say if it wasn’t for my kids I wouldn’t be here. Between my past and my mental health I would have given up long ago.

I still don’t even know everything that happened to me. My past is a huge black hole and the more and more memories that come up aren’t pleasant ones. They put actions and things that have happened in a understanding state. But it is scary, I thought I had a messed-up mom and just kind of accepted that for why I am the way I am. Turns out I was living a nightmare of horrible events that shut me down.

I may never be able to have a normal, healthy relationship again and that makes me angry. I am working with my therapist, will do more Ketamine when it works with my life, upped my antidepressants back up to 40 MG, write and do what ever else I can to help. None of these things can guarantee a normal or healthy relationship in my future though. All I know is I can have bad days where I am angry and feel sorry for myself; but then I must get back up. Straighten my crown and be a kick ass mom to my kids.

My past made me who I am and sometimes defines situations and who I am today but one day I will be able to say it really is just the past and be happy. So right now, I am going to pay my debt off, fix myself, love my kids and love myself. We all deserve it.