Time to run again

I have so many emotions going through my body right now. Screaming isn't working, in reality nothing is. I have Ketamine next week but at this point I'm about to go for a run because nothing can make that come quicker. I haven't ran at night in a long time but I think it may be time to start again. My chest is so tight I feel like I'm drowning.

Most of the time I like to pretend I'm okay, smile and fight like hell to make sure everyone else is okay. The brain is quite the organ isn't it; can make us successful or destroy us from the inside out. My dreams are so damn vivid lately that I wake up not entirely sure what is reality and what isn't. Since doing EMDR the memories flow and days like today I wish I could lock them back up.

I look back and wonder how in the world I believed so many lies from so many people. I look at my future and honestly wonder if I will ever be able to trust anyone again. The lies never stop and I wish with every fiber of my being people would just ghost me instead of lying to me. So many people look in the mirror and hate every piece of themself. Hate every ounce of who they are and would give anything to be something else. I am one of those people. I wonder almost hourly why I wasn't enough, am I seriously this terrible person that deserves all of these things that have happened. Is love really too hard to ask for....

All I do is love so fiercely so that somehow I can make someone's life a little bit brighter. Today I feel alone and like I will never be loved again, but was I ever really loved in the first place? I can say with fact that none of my relationships have been out of love and I'm almost 30. I crave something I won't ever get from anyone other than Edward. No matter how much healing and work I do.

The sting is real and hard today. The wishing I could just dissolve into dust is real. The urge to scream of break every single piece of materialistic items I have. I'm so disconnected from every single person in my life for so many reasons but I am so angry. I know this post is more of an angry rant but it's my reality. So if you are reading thank you and have a good night. Time for a long run and hopefully getting sleep.