Time to let it all go

I've always hated being a stepmom. Seeing kids raised in broken family with no stability kills me. Now not only do I get to watch the other two kids I use to call mine have this life I have to watch my son experience it. It's bull shit and makes me so damn angry. How can one person ruin so many lives and not care that the damage he is leaving behind is affecting so many people.

I thought no matter what those kids would always be mine, I've realized this isn't the case. I can always love them, my tattoo and all the work I've done are proof of that. But it's time to walk away and stop killing myself trying to save kids that aren't savable. They are used to the life they have and will never understand my want for them to have a better one.

What I do know is no matter what it takes I will fight like hell to keep Edward as safe as I can. My heart is shattering right now. I am so excited for Cisna to go see her dad and her family. I am so glad that she has the heart she does and will welcome her dads girlfriend with open arms. But today was an eye opener that it is time for me to let go of everything I have connected to that man. I just didn't realize it was going to hurt this bad. I didn't realize I would fall apart this much. I keep reminding myself that it isn't Eddie. He is still safe in my arms, because he has absolutely no idea who the people in Seattle are. He only knows who his dad is because I've pushed it for so long. As soon as I stopped pushing it he hasn't had any interest in talking to him.

Yes this is beyond sad but I'd rather him not have them in his life than be in that mess. Edward has always been the odd ball out; which is nuts to me since he's the one kid that was planned and wanted so damn bad. I guess I'm the only one who really wanted him though. His family went to all sort of lengths to make sure they could be in Cisna and Caidence's life but not for one second have made the same effort for him.

The thing is, I don't care anymore. They are the one losing not Eddie. I work damn hard for this kid because I wanted him so badly it almost killed me. He is why I am still standing and am fighting for us to have the life he deserves. He can read 4 words, count to 10, is doing amazing at swim lessons and about to start preschool. He is so bright and will take on the world someday. He has my family who has done everything they can to make raising him alone a little bit easier. My dad is his best friend and I am grateful he will have a man to teach him to be a good man.

I cannot keep killing myself cleaning up his messes. So I'm letting go....... Letting go of the pain, the memories, being a mom to 3, and everything else that came with it. The funny thing is I could be where he is, the amount of messages I get and the amount of men who want to date me is overwhelming. But I didn't leave my husband to jump into another relationship. I left my marriage to try to find myself so we could make it back to each other. I left my marriage to better myself and become a better person. I'm okay allowing all these guys to want me and just having a booty call because it's just sex. Sex is a physical need for the body. No emotion connected, he's the one who taught me that sex can be just sex. You can't have sex with 130+ woman and have a emotional connection to all of them. So thanks for that lesson.

I can focus on myself and continue getting better. I don't need a man to make me happy anymore. I don't need a man to raise a good little man because I'm already succeeding at that. I need myself to be healthy so that Eddie can have a healthy life knowing his mom tried and loved him. That he was her priority not moving to the next person to fill the void and heartbreak. Playing house with anyone who will let me slack off and pretend to be a parent.

I'd rather feel it, even when it feels like I can't take it anymore. Because one of these days just like my trauma it won't hurt anymore, the sting won't be as bad. Then one day it won't hurt and I won't even realize that it's gone. There isn't a huge bang or wave of wind showing you that it's over and you've healed. It just becomes quiet and the healing is done. That plus having the most amazing son in the world is why I still fight every single day.

So let go.... It doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a good mom and a good person because you are able to set boundaries that most people don't even dream about having. Little man I love you and I will continue fighting like hell for us to have a better day than the one we had before. I will always be here and so will pappa.