Time to just let life happen

I was doing so good. So when I start to crash I have to remember there are still going to be rough times that may last longer than a day. Therapy has done wonders but there are so many things from my past that seem like they will never fully go away. Once you start to unravel the past and make sense of the challenges you dealt with and the ways you learned to cope, you have more freedom to choose how to respond. I forget, I don't have to be perfect. I just need to remember I am not limited to the only tools I had as a little kid. Although part of me will always be that child with those experiences, my current self is allowed to make any changes I deem necessary.

I have been so good at not letting people guilt trip me into changing my boundaries. I'm learning what my true value is and what I deserve. While learning this I am also having so many walls around me get stronger and stronger. I am terrified to let anyone else in; I don't know how much more I can take if anyone else walks away. I never in a million years would have expected to be where I am at today.

This last weekend I shut and locked a door that in the end will get me to where I truly want to be. BUT god it hurts; I feel like my whole body and soul is breaking. I don't want to start over. Watching Edward want his dad and him not be close is killing me. I have to just breathe and trust that as long as he is loved he will be okay. He is so much like me that I know he can get through anything I just don't want him to have to.

The last couple years has taught me so much though. Enjoy people while they are there, even the smallest thing you don't think is a big deal is going to be when they are gone. Love, even if you end up as broken as I am. I know I sound like a hypocrite because I honestly have thought so many times today about just shutting down and not letting anyone in ever again. But I know deep down that won't make me happy.

Some people are brought into your life for a reason and losing them literally could kill. I've had so many people point out my worth this last year. People who know the darkest side of me and still see me for who I am. One of those people helped me make one of the hardest decisions in my entire life. She pushed me even when I didn't want to be pushed. I wouldn't have been able to what I have done the last couple months without her and now I don't know if she'll ever be in my life again. So I will forever cherish every single moment.

I am desperately, deeply sad today. So sad I wish the world would just go still so I could catch my breath. I am so numb and coming down for all the emotion this weekend that I feel like I am going to break but then can't get any emotions out. My old habits are fighting my new ones and I don't know who is going to win.

If you read this blog on a regular basis than you are fully aware how up and down I can go but this feels different. I'm growing but it's going to be a painful lesson. So, keep me in your thoughts because I definitely need it. I can't give up now even though that's all I want today.