Time For Some Good

I know I write a lot of negative, writing helps me process everything. Explains why sometimes it's a ramble or thoughts. Lately my mental health has been okay, but definitely still struggling. I get so in my head about my relationships that sometimes I destroy them by creating scenarios that aren't there. Being burnt as many times as I have makes believing things are okay almost imposible.

When I met Darren, I tried so hard to not let him in. I had so many walls up and fear to let someone else in. It wasn't just me anymore, I had babies to think about. But he was persistent; he saw something in me I thought had been long gone. I finally let him in and I'm better with him than without. I was a wreck when he came along, nothing left and he showed me the best. He showed me a whole new world where Haley could come out safely again. I'm still a mess most of the time but he holds on, patiently waiting for me to work through it.

I never in a million years thought I'd have a relationship like the one I have. Every Time we've ran into issues we talk it out. If I get in my head he waits patiently while I process it till I'm ready to talk. He listens and comprehends how I am feeling and everything in between. I can't imagine where I'd be if I hadn't walked into that bar.

I feel so alone and sad most days but he is always there. Than I have days like today where I feel so loved I could scream. Just thinking about him makes me smile and feel peace. Days like today are why my dark thoughts don't win. Our schedules have changed and just life in general, that terrifies me more than anything but knowing no matter what he will be there at the end of the day makes me want to live 20,000 more years. I never want to not have him be mine.

Life can be so damn dark; especially to the broken ones. The ones who can't seem to catch a break. The ones who have to fight that extra fight that some people don't have to battle. I watch it everyday in some of my closest friends and in myself. I sure hope there is something better waiting on the other side of all this darkness. I've already seen some of it, I was worried that it would effect my kids so bad they would be broken beyond repair but tonight showed me even though they see most dark days they see the growth and strength. They've seen me completely broken on the floor but they have also seen me happy. Tonight during dinner Cis asked when Darren and I are getting married; I told her not anytime soon than I asked why...... She said because you are actually happy. This hit me like a brick..... It's a blessing that they know this because as sad as it is that they have to deal with their mom being like this they will learn that it is okay to be sad and that you can always come up from the dark days and that makes every painful day worth it.

I just have to say I am so lucky to have my kid's who motivate me to be better every single day. My dad who motivates me to be a better mom while supporting me and rooting me on raising this little boy by myself. To Darren for waking me up, loving me unconditionally and loving both my kid's when you don't have to. For showing me that I deserve and can be loved. We wouldn't want anyone but you by our side. My friends who support me and hold me while I have dark days and smile when I feel like I can fly.

Another ramble but what I'm trying to say is I am beyond blessed and loved. I'm grateful for every moment that led me here. I love everyone who makes my life better. Darren is the best thing that's happened to me since Eddie.