This Is Why

I was having a conversation recently about therapy and Ketamine. The person I was talking to asked why I was getting into therapy again and if I'm stressing about finding a new Ketamine clinic because It's routine. I was speechless at the time because I think long and hard before I answer most of the time especially when it comes to my mental health. I have been doing so damn good that I finally said I don't know. The ketamine I know, I will crash eventually which is why I schedule my appointments when I feel the slip starting. Don't just assume it needs to be every 6 months anymore.

The therapy, I stopped because I had too not because I was done. My old therapist opened his own clinic so I start with him again in January. My response eventually was well I don't think my work is done and I don't want to sabotage any relationships. Than they asked, will digging up the past help you sabotage things though? This person was genuinely trying to understand my reasoning for everything. I said I don't know, I do know that the things you don't remember can be causing issues on the surface and you can't fix it or even know till you work through them even if that means discovering them.

So, I've been thinking long and hard about my process and plan. Trying to figure out what is the best course of action for me and my future. Than I got my answer, well at least part of it.

The last couple nights I've just been on'ry and not in the best mood. Just want to sleep and lay in bed. I assumed it was me just being exhausted from, well life. Than this morning I woke up and am in a very dark place. I woke up hating myself and my life for absolutely no reason. I don't want to exist or move. Now they have had issues with my mood stabilizer with insurance so I'm waiting to get back on that, but I've only been off that for a little bit.

This is the reason I schedule my boosters with Ketamine when I need them. The therapy thing is going to take time and discussions with Jarom to figure out what is needed with that moving forward. But this is why Ketamine is a must for me. My meds work wonders but sometimes they just don't cut it. Lucky for me and not so much for some people, I can still function like this.

I get up and go to work, take care of my kids and most of the time no one notices I'm off. That's one nice thing about being busy all the time is no one knows that I'm not okay. So I work through the darkness the way I always do and get shit done. Eventually I'll be back to normal and things will be good again.

Depression will never win.

My past will never win and the pain will never win.

Anytime days like this come I will never let it win, no matter what it takes. So today I'm taking it moment by moment and taking extra care of myself. I can't take care of my babies if I never take care of myself.

Don't be ashamed to go to therapy, take meds, or do Ketamine.

Don't get offended when people ask questions because sometimes it is just trying to understand and be knowledgeable. I could have turned that conversation into a fight or gotten defensive but I didn't and we're both going to learn from it now.