There Is Always Good Behind A Jump

It's been an adjustment moving to another state. Making this jump and decision was not easy. All I knew was I needed something new. I couldn't keep doing what I was doing anymore.

BUT this was one of the best decisions of my life. 2 years ago I went inpatient and did everything I could to be the best me. To be someone my kids don't have to heal from. I've seen too many peoples trauma affect their kids, not to mention I was one of those kids. I was so lost I couldn't find myself let alone manage life. So just like that I jumped and packed our stuff.

Eddie is adjusting better than I ever expected to a new daycare and being around my dad 24/7. I got an amazing job that I am so good at, and finally feel like I belong somewhere. We are both adjusting and doing so well. I was driving home from work today and felt this calm happiness. I blasted the music and felt the wind. Finally let go of the heart break I've been feeling and the disappointment of something else not going well for me.

I believe with everything in me that everything happens for a reason. It's just a matter of breathing through it and letting the bad go. There were so many times I never thought I'd be in a better place and I am now. I made it through every single thing I thought would kill me.

Missing someone just means it mattered and that I put my all into it. I fought missing Darren so much that it ended up boxing me in worse than if I had just felt it and let it go. Loving someone shouldn't hurt but when it does you have to remember it mattered and that's why it hurt. If I hadn't loved him with everything in me I wouldn't be me and that isn't something I'd give up.

Gotta love my rambles of thoughts and jumps around. But my point of this all is that I am happy. Undoubtedly happy. Maybe it's the new environment, maybe it's the Ketamine, Maybe it's just me fighting every day to get past the depression..... Taking my meds, therapy, my self help books, and everything else I do. Maybe it's all of the above but I do know that I am so damn grateful for the bad days because It got me here and it made me stronger and who I am today and not everyone can say that. I hope everyone else feels as happy as I did today because we all deserve it.