There are always three sides to everything

Everyone has their own perception of how things are. We all have our rose colored glasses. I know a lot of my posts lately have been angry and blunt. I guess when you deny and keep things in for so long eventually they explode. Some people read my blog and think I am a complete psychopath who lies out her ass with some kind of scheme going on. Other's read it and have witnessed the things I have struggled with and how things have played out. This last week my brain has done a lot of growing and it's honestly scaring me a lot. It's like a switch was switched in my brain.

I'm done fighting, done pretending and letting people control me. I am done pushing people to be apart of my sons life. I am done pushing relationships I've been trying so hard to make sure existed. I am done reliving the past and believing people can change. I have my truth which may not be 100% true because things do get distorted, he has his truth and than there is the ACTUAL truth. No one will ever know for sure what the truth is but the universe. What I do know is I can't keep doing this.

God I hate the universe so much lately. Everywhere I turn it's like running into a wall. I walked away and was done with the relationship. Some think that I have absolutely no right to be angry or hurt, I left him.... Just because you leave someone doesn't mean you don't care or love them. I am angry because when you make someone promises you are supposed to keep them. I know for a fact that he promised everyone including the daycare provider he was going to really work on himself and show us that he could be better. Show us that he loved us and would do whatever it took to get his family back. The promises made in this letter that were broken. Not even a week after the divorce was finalized he was in another relationship. Not even a month. So yes I am angry, I am furious.

When I checked myself into an inpatient facility to try to figure out everything that made me self sabotage everything. The turmoil that was and still is my brain. I wanted so badly for everything to work, I read this letter to the staff so many times. Bragging about how much he loved me and how he was going to do anything to be with me. So much it was like I was trying to convince myself that he was in the end going to hold true to his promise in this letter.

The vows and promises to "give me the world" and be different than my exes. Honestly though' I am so damn GLAD you turned out to be a liar regardless of what truth is the truth. This whole experience has made me look back. All of the guys before, when it ended I thought I couldn't make it. I couldn't take one more breathe without them. I look back at my childhood where the abuse went as far as sex trafficking and wonder how the hell I am still standing let alone raising good little human beings. Including the little girl you also gave me without having to. I made it through all those painful times where all I wanted was for my world to stop. For the universe to answer my prayers and let my last breath finally happen.

Thank you for teaching me everything you taught me. Thank you for showing me how much I truly deserve. Thank you for giving me the biggest blessing of all, our kids. Thank you for being my best friend for a while. I don't regret meeting you or marrying you anymore. I'm no longer angry that I still love you. No longer angry that nothing in this letter was true. Because you gave me a marriage, my experience in Seattle and our amazing kids. Thank you for getting me to love myself and be okay being alone. Thank you for giving me a reason to live no matter how hard it gets. Thanks for completely breaking me so that I could rise to the woman I am becoming.

Maybe in another life we would have excelled and had the most amazing life possible. We would have gotten everything we talked about. Maybe in another life we made it, but the things you want the most are what you can't or aren't meant to have.