Therapy Days

Now that I've gotten out all the bottled up emotions out I'm hitting the hard, nitty gritty part of therapy. The hard work that requires bringing up the whys and past.

I've been doing so damn good but something happened that threw my emotions and mind through a little loop. It took me back to a ton of negative, difficult feelings and I started feeling that common dreadful feeling of drowning. I won't go into details about all of them but one of them was not being enough. We talked about the situation and how it was making me feel. Of course right back to the abandonment issues where I don't feel like I'll ever be enough. Now since my session today I've been struggling on how to put into words where I'm at so this may be a mess of a post.

We talked about attachment styles and abandonment issues. How I was forced to learn from a young age that I can't rely on people and how the abandonment issues led to my attachment style. How I associate love with being hurt and that people who love me hurt me and that's just how it's been. I have the anxious attachment style. This style consists of fear of rejection/abandonment, depending on a partner for validation and emotional regulation,

codependent tendencies. It makes so much sense and put a lot into perspective for me; I'll go into more details about how it clicked in a minute. Anxious attachment style usually develops by having have had emotionally distant and absent caregivers which I absolutely had on top of the abuse. I couldn't trust my caregivers to be there for me or keep me safe so I adapted the best way I knew how.

Here is a link that explains attachment styles (https://psychcentral.com/health/4-attachment-styles-in-relationships#avoidant-attachment).

Now I said I'd go into more details so I will. We talked about how if two people have different attachment styles it can break a relationship and the effects of one particular one can cause so much turmoil. For example I have the anxious style, anyone who knows me could have called that one but my most recent relationship he had Avoidant, dismissive style; defined by failures to build long-term relationships with others due to an inability to engage in physical and emotional intimacy. He kept me at arms length which fed into my anxious style resulting in more trust issues and fear on my part. It was like trying to force a puzzle piece that didn't fit no matter how bent it got. I didn't lie before when I said we didn't fight and we had a really healthy relationship for the most part but we both had our own battles and our attachment styles were another negative stacked against us.

I can recall more than just that relationship and how the relationship struggled because of the different kinds of pulls from what we each needed and aren't receiving from the other person. I knew getting back into therapy meant the deep dark hard work but god it's hard and hurts so bad. I sat on that couch today with the tears running down my face, letting the pain flow because I can't really control my emotions anymore. It's like all the emotions I shoved in when I was little are exploding finally and in all aspects of my life.

Guess who made her therapist cry again today..... Yup, the pained look as her eyes filled with tears as she looked back at me. I felt so broken in that moment. I know how I feel about myself and the fears I have about being enough but saying them out loud and relating them to a situation makes it real and that was hard. Saying out loud I'm not enough and I don't think I ever will be was a painful thing to get out. How can someone be enough when they weren't even enough for their family?

We talked about how I need to pull little Haley in and heal her, show her the love that the she deserves. Replace those beliefs she was taught so young and that they are untrue and I am "Priceless". I've expressed that the beliefs a child is taught before the age 5 will determine so much of who they are and I am a prime example of that and breaking those bad ones is like trying to steal a hurricane. The minute she said both Haleys are enough and deserve love hit so hard.... The tears flowed and I just wanted to feel loved and truly loved. I hope one day I do really get to feel that.

I know I got this and I will continue to heal but damn today was hard and realizing and letting her know more dark thoughts about how I see myself along with my past was a hard step that made me physically sick but I refuse to continue hating myself and being stuck in this cycle. It may be hard but I am healing and making strides in so many aspects of my life. I chose to heal and take this journey and I am benefiting from the hard work. Sometimes reminders just need to help us keep going.

If i can survive everything I have than I can survive this as well. I know it was a mess like normal and all over the place but right now my brain is processing and learning how to become a healthy Haley.