The High Comes After The Crash

I've been meaning to post but we know how life goes, especially as a mom. I've been doing so amazing this week and it's a relief. I wish I could feel this on top of everything my entire life, but life is life.

I crashed hard after my Ketamine...... I drove home Saturday; a day early and cried almost the full 3 hours home. The brain is so complex and unique that nothing can ever be exactly what you expect. Sometimes when you do your ketamine it brings out negative before the good comes. I was pretty exhausted the day after so I was doing pretty good. Than that night hit and my brain was worse than before. I couldn’t sleep or get anything to calm down…… Had a full blown panic attack where I couldn’t breathe than I was utterly and completely heart broken and sad. The pain in your chest where you feel like if you don’t get one more breathe you won’t make it. It will be your ending….. I had an amazing day with my nephews and than Eddie wanted to go home so we did. He slept almost the whole ride which allowed me to get my crying out and figure out my emotions. After that I was kinda numb and exhausted. This is where the upside hits and I’ll be back on the healing and up swing of being happy. Ketamine actually restores the pathways in your brain so sometimes when it’s restoring; it can bring up pain and trauma that was lingering, things you didn’t know were there. That’s what happened this treatment….. it’s all a guessing game but in the end when the healing begins, it’s like leveling up in a video game.

When I started feeling better it was like coming out of water for that breathe your whole body craves for. The ketamine works in mysterious ways. You just have to trust the process.

I knew the end of July and August would be rough. Even though I've been at peace with Darren and I splitting when the memories pop up it it breaks me regardless. When I get memories it's like I'm a third person watching the whole situation. One particular moment keeps popping up and just the comfort of the situation is the biggest thing I miss...... It took till meeting Darren for the memories of my marriage to stop. Damn brains suck sometimes..... He saved me from my ex though; in so many ways. He helped me become me again and some of those moments are the ones that hurt the most.

I’ve had my Ketamine and my breakdown so now it’s time to kick ass and get back on top of everything.

I’ve done so much I said I would, and nothing stopped me. I need to realize how far I've came and not be so cruel to myself.

-I wanted a Subaru again so I got one -I wanted my credit score a certain point and bam it’s there and still rising. -I want to ride a motorcycle so bam, I take my course next month and than I’ll buy a bike

-Started meal prepping and have been going to the gym

It amazes me how much I get done and have accomplished even though I deal with these mental issues that are crippling. I let it consume me don't get me wrong but it never stops me from achieving my dreams. Thank god for my stubbornness and fight; it's made me be able to beat the bad stuff. In the end I always win and won't give up.

The Ketamine may drop me really low right after but it’s the climb that comes after that where the real fight comes in. The fight I will never give up on, Eddie and me deserve for me to fight. Cheers to feeling beautiful again and loving myself.