The Dreaded Call Came

I've been debating on posting this because It's not 100% my story but I know that Grant would have wanted me to continue sharing my story. When I went inpatient, I was terrified and had no idea what to expect. Nothing could have prepared me for what I accomplished or the amazing connections I made. I made best friends there that I would have never connected with otherwise. This did come with some risk though... I went inpatient for mental health and trauma, but there were a range of patients who were all battling their own wars.

I not only left that building with so much progress but a whole new family. People who saw me at my absolute worst and STILL love me anyways. People who pushed me to make decisions for me and not everyone else. People who wanted nothing but the best and healing for me. The downside to this was the risk of loving and holding onto people with addictions. Knowing that at any point in my life I could get that call saying one of them lost the battle. It’s the same risk if I decided to take my own life but addicts can do it on accident.

Last Friday I finally got that call I was so terrified of getting. I lost one of my people, one of my best friends. We haven’t been talking because life happens. God damn I wish that wasn't the case.... This man changed my life in so many ways that it blows my mind. It doesn’t feel real that he’s gone….. I want to wake up from this nightmare and have him back. I don’t get to hug him ever again or hear his voice when he calls me late at night to talk.

This hurts so god damn bad….. I don’t understand why. I could scream and lucky for me the weather has been quite the storm this week, so it matches my soul right now. I have to remember that he is free and out of pain now. He won’t have to fight that battle every day anymore. The terrible battle we all fight in our heads that can be just as bad as a physical battle. He can just be the amazing grant we all know and love. The true grant, so grant fly high and keep an eye on all of us. I hope you know how truly loved you are because there are so many people broken because we lost you. So, with tears running down my face here are some of the best memories I have with you my brother.

-Doing nails together

-Singing and dancing in the mornings during chores

-Out late night Facetimes

-The “Clit Shit” group chat

-The love you had for Eddie

-You never doubted me, not once

-The “She is not your best friend”

-The laughter, how contagious it was

-You laying on my lap while I played with your hair

-The smoke table where we all hung out

-You calling me a superwoman because I take care of Eddie alone

-The Van and all the adventures that came with it

-The hot-pots

-The tears we all shared while healing

-Every single other memory we both hold dear to our hearts.

Grant,

You made me believe I could do this single mom thing. You and Mic helped me know my worth and celebrated with me when I got out of that toxic relationship. You changed me in so many ways I won’t be able to put into words. I am so mad for selfish reasons that I don’t get to hear you tell me "I love you" one more time. You are gone and I can't do anything about it. How the hell did we get here?! Please always be with us and know how much I love you. I never knew you’d be my guardian angel but if I can’t have you in person I’ll take that. I love you grant. Rest in peace…..