The Day After

Well yesterday was Ketamine. I’m still feeling exhausted but good; the amount of work I got done during Ketamine will make feeling energy again a little more difficult. It’s like recovering from a marathon. I’ll take this marathon any day over the bad mental marathon. I’m being proactive and scheduling another booster in September around my anniversary, so I don’t spiral. This will be the first year we aren’t in some sort of relationship when our anniversary comes along.

Yesterday’s experience wasn’t like one I’ve ever experienced before. Towards the end I was more aware while dissociating. I actually remember some of the things I said but I guess I didn’t talk much; so maybe it was just in my head and that’s why. I remember Jackie being in the room with me more often than normal. I remember the feeling of being cased in concrete and actually talking to her about it. I don’t know what other things came up or if I had any other revelations, but I do know it was the most needed treatment I have ever had.

I wouldn’t have been able to be as open as I was if Mic wasn’t there. I’m terrified to let anyone in and am distancing myself from a lot of the people that are already in my life. Mic is the one person who doesn’t make me worry or be scared of what the outcome will be. It is so damn weird being able to actually trust her. I still can’t wrap my mind around it.

I start with a new therapist and have distanced myself 100% from pathways. I am grateful for the progress and things I did learn there, but I need more that I wasn’t getting from them. If I hadn’t found pathways, I wouldn’t know Mic at all and I thank God every single day that she walked into the facility.

I’m starting to feel like I don’t have to forgive people to be a good person. I can work through it and be okay but that doesn’t mean I need to allow these people in my life. For example, I keep my mom around…. To most people this is completely insane. I’m going to use her as an example. I think part of why I kept/keep her around is because yes, she is my mom but also because I need to justify what happened to me. I needed to find a way to explain how someone who was supposed to protect me could put me in the situations she did; do the things she did to me herself. I needed an explanation and until now when I finally accepted that’s not something that is going to happen, I had to hold on to her.

It’s going to take a ton of time and work to slowly cut people who don’t serve me anymore out. It’s going to be fighting against who I’ve been forever. BUT I know for a fact I can absolutely do this. There are going to be tears, fallbacks, and so many more things that come with this journey. I know that when it’s all done, I am going to feel so much better. Just have to get through all the feeling in between.

I can preach to everyone and on this blog all day about picking yourself first and taking care of yourself, but it doesn’t just involve selfcare. Maybe that’s why I always fall backwards, you can’t keep the good going when you have that negative energy following you like the heat in Utah right now.

I have no idea what the future holds for me or where I will end up, but I do know I can do this. Like Jackie and Mic like to remind me, I have and can-do hard things.

I want to say thank you to Jackie. She isn’t just a nurse who helps with my treatment. She is a friend and genuinely cares about me. She wants to know what is going on with me straight down to checking my weight to make sure the dosage is correct. We talk as long as needed before the infusion to make sure I am getting what I need. My mental health sucks and so many times I wish it would just disappear but without it I wouldn’t know so many people that have made my life a million times better. I never expected to walk out of inpatient with so many amazing friends and experiences.

Keep fighting like hell because one day it will all be calm and you won’t even notice because it will become the normal. Healing is possible and I am going to get to the end and than continue working on myself because it doesn't just stop when the trauma has been worked through,