The Crack

I've talked about the cry where you're heart is shattering and you feel like your drowning a lot lately. I had terrible nightmares all night, vivid dreams of what he did when he cheated. How we were supposed to be trying and he had her behind my back this entire time. I woke up gasping for air; I still can't seem to catch my breath.

Today I feel worthless.... I wasn't ever going to be good enough for him no matter how hard I tried. My kids are on one and I'm trying my hardest to hold it together. They are fighting and I can't seem to stop snapping or zoning out. Edward got in trouble and went into his room and I finally broke down, I know this won't be the last breakdown of the day. I feel like the only way I will make it through today is if I take anxiety meds.

Have you ever loved and hated someone all at the same time? One minute feel like you can take on the world and the next wanting to scream and fall to the floor because the hate you have for him is so strong. The shatter that he promised he would never do. He was my home and my safe place and he slowly broke me brick by brick. The deal was to give it 100% and try, not have someone you never broke up with on the back burner.

I know I deserve better. I know I am worth so much more than he ever saw in me. I am raising his kids alone while fighting every day to keep myself together. They are happy and don't even realize the struggles I go through or really ask for their dad. They are used to it just being me.

Even with all this pain I realized yesterday that I'm truly content being alone. I didn't need to have someone on the side in case it didn't work. I don't need to jump into a relationship so that I don't have to face the things I did to cause it to fail. Because I am fully aware that I also contributed to the failure of everything but at least I took our vows to heart. He didn't try nearly as hard, so I refuse to give anyone else my heart now that you gave it back. It will be mine forever, and will only be shared with people worthy of it's space.

I can stand up even on days like today where for a second I wish I was dead; and look in the mirror and know that I am strong. I am resilient and you can't slowly kill or take anything else from me. Once I heal from this last little pain I will thrive more than you could have ever imagined.

Keep fighting

Breathe

Let the tears fall

Feel every piece of pain

Get up and kick ass