Sunshine 🌻

Look at the happiness in this woman's face that came back..... This week has been so damn good. I'm doing a ton of self work at night after Eddie goes down and it's making strides in my life. The gym, being more present, and just being me and doing what I need and deserve. I've been catching up with old friends who I missed so damn much.

I met with my Med doctor this week and finally got answers and some people are going to say BS you definitely have something wrong with you. Let me start with I have never had such a thorough intake process in my entire life, not even when I went inpatient. So I met with the Med doctor and follow up again on Friday to see what I want to do regarding stopping some meds. He took every single diagnosis away but PTSD, Depression and anxiety. His words "There is no way you have a personality disorder." He then asked me okay well tell me why YOU think you have one and bam my brain went silent. Than he said you can't base a diagnosis on what other people say when they see you at your worst. You went from one abusive relationship to another with no breaks. You let them destroy you and make you believe you weren't worth anything. Than you did the work and from what you are telling me this last relationship hurt but wasn't as bad as the past ones. You are the most resilient woman I've met. The way you hold yourself together and still look happy is a miracle with what you went through.

Can I tell you how amazing this was to hear. For as long as I could remember people have called me crazy or convinced me I had mental disorders. I'm no longer letting what other people think of me (unless it's a doctor) determine what I believe I have or don't. These last two years were rough but damn I've made strides and am doing so good. If you knew me at my worst and think that's who I am that's your loss. 3 years ago yesterday was the last time a man laid his hands on me and the was the start of all of this; it was a long road but I had to decided to pick me and Eddie no matter what anyone else thought.

Eddie is doing so good. He had therapy today and did half the session without me in the room. She got to see him have a major meltdown so she can work with him on that. The fact that he sat with her with me out of the room was a HUGE accomplishment. Still have work to do but that's why we're starting now so he can have a healthy life as he grows. He is asking and learning math and how things work. Asking questions and eager to learn always. Tries so hard to read and starts Pre-K next month. He is one of the smartest kids I've met and I'm not just saying that because I'm his mom. He's genuinely a good kid who has his mama's heart. He protects his mom like no other and is growing so fast.

We made this TikTok today and it brings me to tears... He looks so big and the way his arm is around me shows just a glimpse of how much this kid would do to protect his mom. Once we got home and I was doing bill stuff I looked over and he was doing yoga with a video on his ipad. The universe sure knew I needed this kid and damn I would kill for him. I hope one day he knows he is the reason I got this healthy and am still here.

I beat myself up so much over the way his life ended up but you know what; it ended up right where it was supposed to. He is so resilient and smart and is going to do amazing things with his life. He will know how to love, treat people and will NEVER lay his hands on a woman. He will be the man every girl dreams of, not perfect but good. The fact that I get to help do that for him is a blessing. So cheers to finally being happy and saying Fuck you to everyone who made me feel less than enough or crazy. Who made me believe I had these disorders due to the circumstances and people around me; but also thank you because in the process of researching I found me and that I am not crazy.

No more faking life, no more giving in to what people say, no more begging people to love me or be in my life. If it's just Eddie and me forever I'm okay with it because I got the best being his mom.