Sleepless Night

I haven't been writing but let's be honest we aren't surprised. Well not sleeping is returning but not because I'm so depressed I can't function. My mind is thoughtful and running a million miles an hour; but not in a bad way. This week..... This week has been something else. Started trauma therapy again, which well let's be honest is crippling. My feelings are extra raw and strong lately. This usually happens after being a zombie for so long.

We take for granted so many things as humans. Laughter, hugs, conversations with loved ones, a light breeze, clear air, and so many other things. The last year I have lived away from my person, the love of my life. It has been 6 months since I have seen him, felt his touch, safety, and comfort. We were married for 3 years and I use to get so irritated that he constantly wanted my attention or affection. I was a mom, employee and a very broken girl who fought so many silent battles. I just wanted to be left alone. Now all I want is a hug. It's not even about the sexual part. It's being intimate with another human being. Hugging someone and knowing they love you. Feeling safe and the emotion in their arms.

Lately I have been struggling with a lot of anger. Luckily I started therapy again. I've had two individual sessions and I am already treading on the difficult road to healing. My first session with Jarom since being out of therapy was good but like I got hit by a train. Have you ever really stopped and thought about something before just answering. Well we discussed the dark side of me. The angry, lashing out, the girl I will hide no matter what it takes. Than he asked me, well tell me this. Who do you trust, and fully 100% trust. I realized that day that I don't trust anyone. Not fully or truthfully. Than he asked if I trust him...... I realized I trust my doctors (him) because of HIPAA but it doesn't go much further than that. I trust certain people to watch my kid's but that is the extent of my trust.

I have so many meaningful relationships and have a lot of very close people. I still hide who I am and my thoughts from them though. You were taught most of your beliefs before you were 5 years old. I was never taught trust, before or after 5. My childhood was pain and hurt, than friends were my out till they also turned dark and untrustworthy, than I got into multiple abusive/toxic relationships. Every single person I ever tried to trust proved that trust can't be achieved. It just continued the older I got with every single relationship.

Broken promises

Lies

Pain

Half in

Walls up

Paranoia

Knowing that you learn these beliefs before you are 5 is a reality. I have seen it and had it proven. So on Tuesday we did my first EMDR session. Before you do EMDR you create a safe space that you can always go back to when things get too much. We focused on that and who would be there to support me in my safe place. We were going through the EMDR process and got to the age around 5/6. I felt sick, dizzy (the room was literally spinning), my heart raced. I went blank except the faint memory of wanting to kill myself even that young. I don't remember a time in my life that I haven't wanted to die. Want the pain to end and the world to go silent.

A lot of my past is a black hole. A lot of memories have came up with therapy and pieces of the puzzle have made more sense. I like to think of myself as dark and twisty like Meredith Grey. So broken and damaging that I will bring down everything I come in contact with. Like a grenade. What kind of person thinks of dying that young? Not just dying but taking their own life...... I have no idea of everything that happened to me but I do know it is why I am the way I am today.

A lot of the trauma and stuff suck and cripple me sometimes. There is good in the darkness though. Just like stars shine in the dark so does reason. I am overly aware of situations and people now. I am in touch and alert when it comes to my kids. I am able to help others who are going through what I have in the past even if it's just the darkness we all have. My dark web of a brain has brought me peace. I have no idea if it is possible or how long it will take to not have my brain be so dark. But I do know I have to at least try. If I can turn these flashbacks or images in my head into bad memories instead of crippling situations that tear me down to where I am not functional it will be worth it. I can handle bad memories as long as they are memories. What I can't handle is the ache in my chest and images that I can't control. The reliving the moment that trauma brings with it. It's not just a memory, it's like reliving the same day over and over again.

I want to be able to trust people. I want healthy relationships. I want my trauma to just be my past not something that gets me so down I want to run. I have no idea what is in store for me these coming months or years but I do know I've already made so much progress already. This is just another step I can overcome.