Shatter

It’s one of those nights where I’m laying in bed and my cries are so strong they are silent. The ones where you feel you heart break throughout your entire being. Before that I threw up a bunch and had a seizure.

See I look like on the outside I have everything together. My last post wasn’t a lie, I’ve been doing good. Than my heart shattered, see my divorce wasn’t easy and was a very back and fourth thing because well, I still loved him. The circumstances made things really bad. Trust was broke, people were physically and mentally scarred. The kids started acting out and I had to make a decision.

By no means was this decision easy, I still question if I made the right decision. But than today I found out not only has my ex been lying to be about loving me still he is in a relationship with another woman already. Not even a week after the divorce was finalized.

I have severe self esteem issues and trust from my past. These were one of the downfalls of our marriage on my end. But when you love someone so fiercely that you think it will be forever and you haven’t accepted it won’t be and than they are already happy and In love. It’s like a knife to your heart. Because god damn our marriage was horrible but I loved him so damn much and I still miss him.

Accepting it was all a lie and maybe your view of your worth is how he saw you makes me want to shut down. I already deleted all our memories and conversations but my brain is like a movie that never stops. The bad and the good replay not matter how much I try to shut them down.

But even with this heart wrenching news that took the wind out of me. I have my baby boy sleeping next to me with his peaceful mind and breathes. My life has been so hard, most people wouldn’t believe it, I still can’t believe I’m standing here today. But the one good thing that came out of my marriage is I got my son. The one man who will always love me no matter what. That’s what true unconditional love looks like.

Right now I’m gonna focus on my new job and my son. No one else deserves my energy or the chance to bring me down. Before I met Nik I thought love wasn’t something I would ever get and I think that’s true but at least I get my sons love. So looks like it’s just us baby boy. But I promise I got you.