September - Suicide Awareness Month

I’m surprised I haven’t seen more on this subject this month. Especially because it’s so important….. September is suicide awareness month. It would have been 14 years this year if I had successfully succeeded in taking my life (well at least the biggest attempt I made). I was so low I didn’t care if I lived or died, I just needed the pain to stop. I needed the world and feelings to stop. I didn’t exactly want to die but I needed everything to freeze. I still deal with suicidal ideation; which is not planning or actually doing anything about it but thinking the world would be better without you, thinking what would happen if X, Y or Z happened. Still sucks but I’ll take that over actually being suicidal.

I’m a huge advocate for mental health and all the treatment you can do. Trying everything you possibly can do to get better. It gets pushed down too much because this society makes you feel like you should be ashamed of it. We cannot control the things that happen to use and sometimes we can't control how we react until we work on ourselves. But, it’s so damn important; part of why I blog about it and will talk to anyone who wants to talk about it.

Im so damn grateful for these last 14 years and the many more to come. If I had been successful I wouldn't be a mom or done any of the amazing things I’ve done. The younger Haley would be so damn proud of everything I've accomplished but most of all that I'm still here. That I pushed past the pain and trauma and continually fought even when I didn't have a reason to.

I look forward to my therapy sessions now; the drive to become a better me physically and mentally has never been so strong than it is right now. I go to the gym as much as I can and finally got equipment for home since I can't go everyday. I finally met with my sleep doctor/neurologist and we are going to taper me off my mood stabilizer (which happens to also be a seizure med) to make sure It doesn't send me into a ton of seizures. I have a sleep study next week; once we get updated information from that we will decide which surgery we are going to go with.

It's only getting better and better from here even on my bad days. At the end of every session my therapist asks me what I'm doing for myself and most times it's hard to answer, because I don't do a lot for myself. The gym is for me but it's also a matter of being able to look in the mirror.

I started getting my eyelashes done again but the biggest thing I'm doing for me right now is planning my trip. I was going to throw a huge party for me turning 30 this year but I realized that wasn't what I wanted. So I dug deep and researched to see what I wanted.

So next September I'm going to a all inclusive resort, I gave people the opportunity to save so they could come but if not it will be my dad, Brittany, and me. Even if it was just my dad and me I'd be so damn content. I've never been to a real beach and taking this trip for me is just what I deserve. I mean look at this room! 🥂 Cheers to turning 30

Anyways, what I'm saying is don't be afraid to admit you need help. Do stuff for yourself regardless of what anyone else says. Take the trip, make the jump, dance in the rain. I have missed way too much by dwelling on the past or being so heart broken from certain situations. Here is a selfie of my beautiful face because even with the downfalls lately I'm a pretty happy girl.