September

September was unexpected; yet I handled it like a champ. I already knew it was possibly going to be a rough month because for 4 years it was an exciting month for me. I wasn’t bothered by the fact that it would have been my 5-year wedding anniversary or that this was the first time it was my ex’s birthday, and we weren’t together. It was just a normal day with memories of something that happened and nothing more than that.

We don’t usually see Darren till Friday; today we went south to have dinner with him. He called to touch base right when Eddie and I got to Hobby Lobby to kill time. Suddenly Eddie called him Dad…. We didn’t expect this almost 3 months in. It threw both of us off but was a sweet moment. Darren got ready while we went into Hobby Lobby. Then Eddie asked if Darren can be his dad. Eddie knows who his dad is, and always will. I explained to him that it’s okay to have two dads.

The fact that he loves Darren as much as I do makes me so happy. Watching these two interact is like watching a movie of all my dreams coming true. I always wanted a kindhearted son, and he finally has someone to teach him. Cis also has warmed up to him, when she draws her family photos Darren is in them now. She told me this week that she loves Darren, and it makes her happy he’s a part of our family. Dating was scary because of my tiny humans but waiting for the right guy has made things go so smoothly.

Watching these two makes me feel like I’m in a dream. It’s crazy how much Eddie needed a dad figure that is around. He has grown so much in the last 3 months. I hate to admit it, but I needed help, doing it all alone was hard, and I wasn’t as successful as I had hoped. Don’t get me wrong I am doing one hell of a job with this little man, but there are just some things I can’t do or give him.

When I was inpatient, we did Equine therapy every Friday. The man who owned the horse and facilitated the therapy was an amazing soul. One of the rare ones, someone who’s energy will never be forgotten. Not only this man but his entire family changed my life. The horses helped me heal in some ways I never imagined possible. The talks I had with his wife changed my life. His babies helped me miss Eddie a little less when I was able to hold them. This entire family changed my life. I’ve said this before, but I never expected to come out of inpatient with a whole new tribe of people. This week I found out the man who ran Equine passed away. It’s sad to know someone that amazing is no longer with us and all he left behind. I am grateful I got a little piece of everything he manifested. I hope he knows how much he touched not only me but this world.

This world is hard and surprising, things happen that we never expected or dreamed of happening. The world is a very dark place and I believe will be till the day I die and long after that. I never expected to be divorced and a single mom, let alone dating in my late 20’s. I never expected to be in almost all of the situations I have been in; but that’s how life works. Nothing is 100% and you must make the best out of what you have.

Instead of dwelling on my past I’m grateful for it.

-For my childhood for making me a better mom and person.

-For my Ex for breaking my heart, because if he hadn’t, I would have never brought Darren home and he wouldn’t be such a big part of our lives now.

-My mental health, for bringing so many amazing people into my life and teaching me all the things it has.

-For my kids because they give a reason to fight and be the best me possible.

-Darren, for pushing me to be a better me but most of all for showing me that good men still exist.

No matter how dark it gets there is always something good. I thought September was going to be a rough month and it turned out to be an amazing month with growth and memories I’ll never forget. No better way to end the month than writing and being grateful for absolutely everything I have.