Self Worth

This is going to be a different post. Some of you may know and some of you may not. I absolutely hate myself. It's gotten really bad the last couple months...... I'm good at faking it and pretending I don't but pictures lie, trust me. I change my outfit so much, will physically lose it, hate looking in the mirror and cry over the way I look. I've never weighed this much except when I was pregnant. No need to say it, I am aware being under 110 is tiny and most people would kill to be this size but it's killing me.... It's not even about the numbers either, it's honestly how large my stomach is getting. I go to the gym, have started eating healthy and nothing seems to work. I know it takes time to get results but the internal suffering I am dealing with is so much. Some days I feel like I can't make it another second and get close to shattering every mirror in my house.

Getting out of a relationship heightened this so much. It's not just about the heartbreak, it's about how you question who you are, your worth and beauty. The way you look at yourself in the mirror becomes warped and broken. The disappointment in yourself for failing again. The way my brain works is weird though, I know I'm the whole package deep down, the whole damn package even with my mental issues and flaws. I love like no other, I will sacrifice myself for people I love. The one thing I want is support and love, that's it. The things that go with that of course but I don't ask much. I can be independent; I make my own money, pay my own bills. There isn't much I can't do on my own and even if I can't I will try really hard before I ask for help.

This last relationship I gave so much, now that won't stop me from giving it to the next man. I loved him with everything in me. Came up with ideas to really show him. One of which was a little black book; I know..... "How can a little black book show someone you love them??" It took me months, probably 25+ hours and a chunk of who I was. I poured who I was and how much I loved this man into a book. I wrote momen't on the front page; like when he said I love you, when eddie called him dad, nights that took my breath away. Than I wrote song titles and wrote paragraphs of how that song related to the way I loved him; how it related to us. I poured every emotion that song brought and put it down for him to always have. I then wrote letters and notes throughout the book and glued pictures; surprises throughout the book. Made a playlist with all the songs and created a sticker with our photo and a QR code that took him to the playlist. I remember one day I looked over when we were getting ready for bed and he was staring at me with tears in his eyes. I asked what seeing the book in his hands and the headphones in his ears. He looked me dead in the eyes and said I hope I make you feel as loved as you make me feel. I hope I can show up for you the way you show up for me. In that moment I felt loved and like I was the only girl in his world. I don't have a photo of the book so use your imagination for this one.

Anyways, getting side tracked. Than for Valentines day I went all out...... I did the 5 senses present. I made signs, boxes, letters, labels, and containers; the polaroids of me just for him (yeah sorry those need to be blacked out). I got kinky with ours and made it for the bedroom instead of just presents because I wanted it to be a connection and not just stuff. I wanted it to represent us as a couple. Sex was a big part of our relationship, he took me to new levels I didn't expect to ever go down or want. I learned more about myself in this relationship than I did in any other. I'm not going to go into details of what was used for each sense, I'll leave that to your imagination. I will upload a picture though. I wanted him to know I loved him and how we connect on more than a mental level. That he made me feel something more than just love. I don't know how much he enjoyed that present or if he liked it at all but I enjoyed making it and that's what matters.

I wish people realized when you mess with someone's life, you're not just messing with one part. Unfortunately, you can't be that precise or selective. When you mess with one part of a person's life, you're messing with the entire life. Even me hating myself and the things I say to myself have effects forever. My brain automatically goes there even on days I wouldn't typically feel that way. This photos looks like I'm confident..... I'm not at all, I took about 10 before I decided on this one. Most of my photos are like that, it comes with a full photoshoot before I decide what I like. Sometimes I don't even save them and end up a ball of tears on the floor. My main goal right now is to find self love again, continue finding out what I need to do to so my body can be what I want it to be. To stop letting men sexualize me and make them see my worth behind my body. I'm going to continue being the best me I can be, even on the day's where I want to shatter mirrors.....