Second Therapy Session

Today was finally therapy and I was so antsy to go and figure out some stuff I was dealing with. Lately when I go it's like a dam breaking and next thing I know our session is over. I know eventually we will get to the work part but right now it's good to just get it all out and stop holding it in. I have to say though, crying at therapy is so hard. I shut down when I cry or get emotional, it's like a war in my body. I have to try to fight through that to get out what I need to get out.

Today we talked about Eddie and a huge issue that arose this weekend that killed me and I don't know if I will be able to shield him from the outcome of it. I needed advise so I handled it correctly the best I could. She is the first person who validated my feelings and didn't make me feel like it was my responsibility to fix or fight for a solution. She was proud that I put Eddie first even though he may get hurt and opened that door.

Eddie is one of the most amazing kid's I have ever met and I don't just say that because I am his mom. He has a light about him that just makes you feel better. I would be dead without him without a doubt, I would have given up. I think in a way he knows because this kid never stops reminding me how much he loves me. It's always mom I love you, mom your the best, can I keep you, I picked you..... that's the one that gets me the most, he may not know what that means but knowing he picks me everyday as his mom, that he loves me even when I get so down is the most cherished thing ever said to me.

I'm getting side tracked which will happen a lot here.... So Eddie is 4; almost 5 and is incredibly aware of so many things. Most of the time I'm pretty good at navigating how to answer his questions and handle situations; for example he asked who got him something the other day. I responded and said your pappa pat got you that than he asked to call him, so we called him and they had a good conversation. Any time he wants to talk to anyone I let him; he called his old daycare worker today because he missed her. I want him to be able to make decisions on his own and know he gets a choice. It's the same when his dad calls, he gets to make the decision to talk and if he doesn't want to he gets to voice that himself.

We were leaving the store this weekend and he asked me why his dads family isn't around and I stopped in my tracks..... Why they don't call or come see him; he thought they were all dead before this conversation. Particularly his dads dad..... He wanted to know why he doesn't call because he loves talking to pappa (my dad) so he would like to talk to his dads dad. This man hasn't seen him since before he was 1.... I wanted to scream and cry because this is all I've ever wanted is for them to make an effort and be apart of this amazing little boys life and he is becoming aware that they aren't around. I want him to feel loved and never think something is wrong with him; that he is always enough. I just told him I don't know and we can't call him right now. I needed to tread this situation with caution, put my opinions and feelings aside while not lying to him. So I did the adult thing and messaged his dad, now it's up to them. He is at that age where what happens next will determine a huge part of their relationship with him and I did my part and opened the door for him.

That's the thing people don't realize about single moms (parent's'), yeah we get our kid's 100% of the time and there is so many good things with that. But we get all the bad that comes as well and not as a team but alone.... Seeing the heartbreak, tantrums, meltdowns, sick nights with no sleep and so much more. We have to be the ones to answer difficult questions about why things are the way they are. Why certain people aren't around. We get the negative behavior when the other parent actually shows up because they are the fun parent and we are the one with rules and consistency. We become the parent on the back burner who doesn't get any credit for anything we do for them. We have to make decisions to protect them, that others may not agree with. We have to balance protecting them and letting them experience and make decisions on their own even if it breaks them. It's draining and is so damn scary, possibly watching your child be hurt and taking a step back and allowing it to happen without showing your emotion no matter what so it doesn't persuade them in any way is the hardest thing I have ever done. But I will continue to always put him first because he is my world and will know no matter what other people decide he will always have me.

Than we talked about Darren...... I feel good 90% of the time, I usually breakdown when people ask why it ended or really bring him up at all. The hardest part about that is I didn't ever get a real answer or closure. I know kid's were hard for him and I think it clicked that he wasn't ready for us and that's why when he left he said I deserve better and someone who loves me as much as I love them. So the day before Eddies party he ended it, didn't say bye or anything more. Just said he couldn't do it anymore and I deserve better. He took any choice or opinion away from us, we didn't get to fight or have an opinion on any of it.

So I pulled myself together the next day and was there for Eddie and never once let him see me fall apart; it was his day and nothing was going to make it about anything else. There was no warning signs or a full explanation. It brought back all my abandonment issues and now I get to navigate that while working on Eddies so it's not an issue when he's older.. People get so mad because I "Excuse" his behavior and maybe I do because he's the first person I loved in a long time but it's also the kind of relationship we had and the growth he helped me achieve in those 8 months. We all have our own battles to fight and sometimes people get hit by the shards as you work through it. I know he had his reasons, I know he was also struggling with his own battles. I know he loved us even when I get mad and think there is no possible way he loved us and just left. He never walked away the two times I saw him after that without tears falling down his face.

None of this is even what kills me the most about it all, it hurt yes but I've been broken before and eventually get up and move on. What kills me about this is Eddie, it affected Eddie. I tried so hard after that one night stand to cut things off, but he pursued me and was determined so eventually I gave in. Eddie ran up to this man not knowing him and wrapped his arms around him, Eddie didn't even do that to family members. Ultimately that is what sold me on the relationship and allowed me to fully fall and let him in. When he left Eddie was so confused and broken. I'd rather be broken a million times over and over than hear my kid crying in the back seat because another one of his dads left him. Asking me why we weren't enough and why he won't come home. What we did wrong for another dad to leave him.

Yes my 4 year old said these things to me. In that moment I was so mad at myself for allowing anyone into his life.

I swore in that moment no one else would come into our lives again. But, I cannot risk never moving on or starting a new relationships just to keep us in a bubble to stay safe. I have to do things for me (thanks for the reminder today therapist). We cannot guarantee anything in life and I'd rather catch Eddie when he falls than raise him to not trust people or live a life. So just like with his dads family choosing to come around or not I cannot control it, I have to be there to catch him and listen. I have to accept there are some things I cannot control and that's okay. What matters is I am here and consistent.

Once again a ramble of words but today was emotional and I also made a ton of progress. Accepting things I cannot control and teaching my amazing little man to live in the moment. Allow him to not be crippled by life like I am, to enjoy moments and be happy because he deserves it. To keep that spark he has going forever.